Child Again
by Beutelmaus
Summary: It’s been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he’s alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend. AkuRoku, RikuxSora
1. Part 1 Axel

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora

**Disclaimer:** As much as I wished, no. None of the character, nor the setting belongs to me. Dang, and I really would love to own Destiny Islands...

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**Child Again**

**Part 1 - Axel:**

Let's face it: Nobody needs a _heart_ to actually _feel_. Not even us Nobodies. Xemnas can rant all he wants. I don't believe one single word of his stupid theories. Not anymore.

Because right now, I'm scared as hell. And I'm sad. And fucking disappointed. _Hell_ knows I am!

I _really_ thought there would be a 'Happy Ending' for me. Oh well. Roxas always said I was too optimistic.

That's not true, of course. I think I was just... longing for something I could never have. And because of that, I tried to convince myself so desperately, that fate would spare me this ending, that fate would show me one day what it means to be _happy_, if only I did the right thing.

Ah, well. Right. Wrong. Meaningless words for a Nobody like me. Seems like I started trying to make up for my mistakes too late. Bad karma isn't that easy to patch up. Let alone karma as bad as mine.

I hear something, a quiet noise, a clank. Somebody just dropped a Keyblade. Ah, and there is the hissing sound as it vanishes.

The sound is so familiar...

Roxas is gone. Long live Sora! Hurray!

I laugh, and it hurts. But the fear is even worse than the pain. Ha! No feelings, you say? Fear _is_ a feeling! Take that, Xemnas! Herby I shall falsify every single one of your fucking theories!

By Kingdom Hearts, am I_ scared_!

But I can't stop laughing, even though no sound escapes my mouth. Inwardly the laughter tears me apart. It hurts like hell, but I can't stop. I raise one hand, watch small flames licking at the fabric of my gloves, burning through the black material and revealing even more blackness. Oh, whoops. The fire seems to have been hotter than planned. My hands are burnt, charred, barely recognizable as human limbs anymore. When I clench my hand to a fist, charred skin breaks, and hot blood drops down onto my cloak. Small flames spread to my sleeve, and just like this the fire spreads inside me, crawls through my veins, devours my flesh. It devours me inside and out.

Oh well. I knew this would happen. Limit attacks aren't called 'limit' for nothing. You go to the limit, exploit your potential, put all of your strength into this one last attack. Of course there's nothing left to restrain the element you unleashed. And I guess my element is the most ungrateful there is. Fire can't be restrained. Once unleashed, it's almost impossible to stop.

Roxas always said I was like the fire I control. Untamable. Unsettled. Restless.

But hey, I could think of worse ways to die than being consumed by my own fire. It hurts, but at least it distracts me from the hollow, cold feeling in my chest.

I hate it, this hollow feeling. Yeah, _hate_! Oh, that is a feeling we Nobodies have mastered! And yes, I'm aware that this sounds like a paradox. I hate not being able to feel? Well, nobody said being a Nobody was easy. Sometimes it's pretty confusing, I tell you.

We can't feel. It's the first thing you notice when you become a Nobody. When somebody loses their heart, their Nobody can't be happy about "being alive". The world turns cold. Everything is gray. You can't be scared, not even when you wake up at the same place where your Other died. It's possible to feel slightly confused, but most Nobodies give up and turn into lesser Nobodies, Dusks, Assassins, Dancers, Samurai, and whatever they are called. The few of them clinging to their memories turn into something like me. They keep their shape, keep the ability to think.

The second thing a Nobody notices is the emptiness. The absence of the familiar heartbeat. Because _yes_, you can hear the beating of your own heart the whole time. But you only notice it when it's gone. Like so many things in life. Half-life. Almost-being. Existence. Whatever it is we Nobodies do.

But as soon as you realize what happened... you start to envy humans. That's something only few Nobodies understand. They envy humans, who still possess a heart. They envy the Heartless, who steal the hearts. I think envy is the main force behind everything we Nobodies do. A romantic would call it yearning, I guess; the desire to _be_. But I'm not very romantic. How could I be, without a heart?

Roxas always said I was strange. I was too cheerful, too childish, too passionate for a Nobody. And Xemnas, our good ol' Superior, always freaked out when I tried to abet the younger Nobodies to mischief, or make them laugh. I only succeeded doing that with Demyx anyway, and sometimes with Roxas.

Poor Demy. He really thought he had a heart.

Whatever. Xemnas also didn't like it when I pointed out to him that he was pissed at me, which clearly _is_ an emotion.

My theory is: Nobodies _can_ feel. And I'm not talking about physical things, like pain, or lust... Physically, we are complete anyway. No, it's the _emotions_, which are supposed to be missing altogether.

I think the emotions are there. Just... extenuated. All the biochemical shit is still there anyway. Hormones and stuff. Nerves, which transport pain signals to our brain, even if the pain is not as strong anymore. It's just... the most reliable sign of _feeling_ is the heart. We're happy, and the heart beats faster. We are sad, it beats slower. We are angry – fast. We are relaxed – slow. We are in love – fast.

But we don't have a heart, and thus we think we can't feel emotions anymore. How are we supposed to know if we're excited when there's no fast pounding in our chest _telling_ us we are?

But right now I know I'm scared. I know it, because my stomach clenches and my body tries to curl up, despite the pain I'm feeling. Fear is an emotion. Like sorrow. Sorrow, which is choking me and making me want to scream all at once.

If only I _could_ scream. Scream and squirm and rage because of the pain torturing me, physically as well as emotionally. But I guess I'm too weak for that already.

I hear footsteps. Somebody kneels down next to me.

"You're... fading away," Sora says, and even his voice reminds me of Roxas. I look at him, even though it hurts to move my head. Kingdom Hearts, it even hurts to move my eyes!

"Well, that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack," I reply, and I hope my voice doesn't show how much talking hurts. I watch as lone flakes of ash and smoke raise from my burnt clothes, and I wonder if it's not only my clothing, but also my skin which flies away there. Yuck.

"You know what I mean?" I continue and try not to show how much it hurts. The fire inside me spreads; it feels like my blood is boiling. Not very pleasant. Not even for me. "Not that Nobodies actually have beings... right?" I joke, and I smile, even though I don't really feel like it.

Sora doesn't seem to like the joke. His eyes... Roxas' eyes, they are so sad...

But Roxas never looked at me like this. With his big, wonderful, beautifully blue eyes...

He was always the most emotional Nobody in the Organization. Not even me, not even Demyx ever measured up to him. But he always tried to suppress his feelings, unlike us. We always tried to feel anything so desperately. _He_ tried to be like us. He tried to be what he thought was normal. How should he have known we _weren't_ exactly normal? How should he have known all of us were a sin against normality, a perversion of every law of nature there is? He didn't know better. He didn't know humans were _supposed_ to feel. Nobody ever bothered to tell him. No, just the other way round. Every Nobody in the Organization seemed to hate him, because they knew he had something they could never have: A heart. So he hid his feelings under this cold mask that I hated so much. He was pretty good at that, too.

I was the only one who knew how much his feelings hurt him, I think. I tried to tell him so many times… I tried to make him understand he wasn't a freak, like he himself believed. I tried to tell him he was _special_, in a _good_ way. I tried to tell him, but he never listened to me. I tried to _show_ him, but in the end he just walked away. If only he knew how much it hurt _me_ when he left...

_"Nobody would miss me."_

I can still hear his words. If only he knew how much it hurt me... Had I had a heart, this one sentence would probably have broken it. _I _would… I _did_ miss him. Hades, how much I missed him. I don't even want to think about how it would've felt had I had a heart. It was already horrible as it was. He was the only one who ever made me lose control with nothing more than four words and the sad look in his beautiful blue eyes. I never lost control like that before. Despite my elementary orientation, I always managed to keep my cool, even in the most heated battles, even during the most dangerous missions Xemnas threw at me, his trusted assassin. But Roxas… he made me lose it, and he never even _knew_!

To watch him as he left my quasi-almost-half-life… To look into his eyes without seeing even the smallest trace of recognition in them. To hear him call out for those kids he thought to be his friends in DiZ' simulation, not for me... not for me... _I_ was his best friend, _I_ was the one he should have cried out for, but DiZ took that away from us.

Feeling hope well up inside me when he said we had been friends... hope he would remember our evenings on the clock tower, where we ate sea-salt ice cream and talked endlessly... And then feeling this hope shatter when I realized he _didn't_ remember.

To stand in front of him, my chakrams in my hands, his keyblades in his, like we had done so often in our training sessions... To know he finally remembered who I was, what we had, and _still_ wanted to go again. Away from me.

Yes... good thing I don't have a heart. He would have broken it so many times...

"Anyway, I digress," I say, and I hope Sora doesn't notice my charred hands twitching. It hurts, it hurts so much... Does this pain ever end? "Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot... Sorry for what I did to her."

"When we find her, you can tell her that yourself!" Sora cries, then presses his lips together in this cute, stubborn way Roxas always did as well.

Poor boy. He must blame himself for this. Even though he doesn't know me, even though I was his enemy, even though I played with him, used him, even though I kidnapped his girlfriend, he feels responsible for me. Maybe it's Roxas speaking. I want to believe it. I want to believe he felt so much for me, that even Sora is able to feel it now.

"Think I'll pass," I reply smiling, and inwardly I cry out of pain. I thank all gods, who would listen to a Nobody, that at least the skin on my face isn't peeling off yet. I don't want him to know how much it hurts. Because I still want to believe Roxas is somewhere in there and sees me. And I don't want him to suffer even more because of me. "My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one," I try to joke again, and against my will I have to laugh. It tears me apart, and I can feel the fire burning in my lungs. It's getting harder to breathe. And I still laugh. Crazy.

"Axel, what were you trying to do?"

Hm. Yeah, what?

"I wanted to see Roxas," I hear myself answer, and for someone who hasn't got a heart, that sounded pretty sappy. But it's the truth. Why keep it a secret anymore? I'm dissolving into smoke and ashes here! And maybe... maybe he can hear me. Maybe... maybe I can tell him this way… "He... was the only one I liked. He made me feel... like I had a heart..." I smile again, despite everything. It's funny, but somehow... it's not so bad anymore. The pain, the fear... it's not that bad. I did the _right_ thing, and it feels _good_. "It's kind of... funny... you make me feel... the same." Because you're Roxas. Because I can see him in your eyes, even though he doesn't recognize me again.

Stupid. He really thinks someone like _me_ gets a second chance. _"Let's meet again in the next life." _That little fool. He really believed me. He is way too innocent for his own good. This _is _his next life, he lives on _in Sora_. For me... this is the end. I can't really move anymore, my vital organs are probably burnt already, and darkness starts to invade my vision. Everything around me turns gray, and the hazy light around us seems dimmed. It's hard to keep my eyes open. Liquid fire burns in my veins, and the smoke rising from my clothes grows heavier. It reeks of burnt flesh, a smell I recognize all too well. The fire gets through. More ash parts from my body, raises, is blown away by a breeze I'm not able to feel anymore.

"Kairi's in the castle dungeon," I rasp out, forcing air down my lungs. I raise my hand and bite my tongue to keep myself from screaming. I hope he doesn't notice the burnt skin under the black material of my gloves. It's not a pretty sight. "Now go," I gasp, and then my voice fails me. I can't breathe. I know my lungs have to have collapsed, but I refuse to gasp for air like a fish on land. I suppress the impulse and concentrate on opening a portal that will bring Sora to the World That Never Was. One last time I call on the shadows, push aside reality to form a gateway between the worlds.

Then everything turns black. The last thing I take with me into the darkness is the sight of big, unbelievable blue eyes filling with tears, and the sound of my name uttered with a warmth I never heard before. And for a moment brown hair turns to golden, and I know...

... This was worth everything. Roxas is alive, and he remembers me. All this... was worth it... if only I can save him.

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**Author's Notes:** What's that? Beutelmaus wrote another fanfic? Yes, yes she did. Because that damned scene was way too short in the game!

It was actually German, and this is kinda the word-for-word translation, so please forgive if some sentences sound a bit weird... The translation itself was done during class, and it's hard to concentrate if that damn guy in front of the class doesn't stop _talking_! Gawd!

This fanfic was actually written for a contest, and it was planned as a oneshot, but I decided to continue it... and I'm gonna post it here, because right now I'm not able to continue Perfect Match. Maybe after the holidays... Maybe. Well. I hope at least some of you read this... If you do, please review! Reviews brighten my day!


	2. Part 2 Roxas

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** Na-ah... Nope, not mine.

**Thanks to:** Mah reviewers, of course! **Aeternus-Spes, delayed-reaction, Faye Silo, Fayette Nudusk, Jizabel Disraeli, kotilo, Lost in the wing of angels, Lyra Su, phaz, SharpiesInAGayRainbow, SorasLilAngel, SXR4EVA, xWhisperWolfx. **Thank you very much for your kind words! I just hope you'll like this one as well.

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**Child Again**

**Part 2 - Roxas:**

I watch the sunset through Sora's eyes, and right now there's nothing I crave more than to be able to close them.

The sunset on Destiny Islands is beautiful. The light makes the calm sea sparkle like gemstones, and it colors the small clouds in the sky red, pink, orange… Over there is the small island where Sora and his friends used to play. A gentle breeze ruffles Sora's hair, somewhere a bird is chirping, palm trees rustle quietly in the background. There's no way this could be any more idyllic.

I hate it.

I wish I would never have to see it again. Never, never, _never_ again… But Sora doesn't look away. He never does.

I hate the sunset, because it _reminds_ me. This one is beautiful, but it's not like the sunsets of Twilight Town. When I see a sunset, I don't want to be at the beach, but want to sit up in the clock tower. I don't want to smell the salty scent of the sea, but want to eat sea salt ice cream. I don't want to hear waves rolling onto the white beach, but the bells of the clock tower chiming every full hour.

I hate the sunset because it paints the world red. Red was _his_ color. Everything seems to be burning, even the sea. Fire was _his_ element.

Again and again and _again_ I beg Sora to stop. Of course he can't hear me. He almost never does. And _if_ he hears me, he doesn't understand me. Sometimes I'm able to let him feel, but not more. I know he means well. He thinks I miss watching the sunset.

That's true. But even more than that, I miss the people I used to watch the sunset with. Hayner, Pence, Olette.

And… and… _him_…

Kingdom Hearts, it even hurts just to _think_ his name!

I wish I could cry for him. I wish I could take over Sora's eyes, his voice to scream out my pain, his hands to scratch my own face… if I had a face, that is. Heh.

I wish I could forget. Hm… I seem to wish for many things lately. How presumptuous for a Nobody. A _Nothing_. A small voice in the back of a now sixteen-year-old boy, a voice he can't even hear because it's so weak.

It's been more than a year, but I still dream. No… not me. _Sora_ dreams, and I just watch, I walk around, view his dreams from different angles. I see things Sora experienced. His dreams are so lively, even more so than a Nobody like me.

Most of the time his dreams are cheerful, calm, often memories of his childhood. The raft. He often dreams of the raft. Kairi crafts the prettiest things out of seashells. Riku teases Sora because of stupid little things. Or he's on his journey with Donald and Goofy, laughs with them at the campfire. Or he's with his other friends here on the Islands, Tidus and Selphie and Wakka and all the people from his school. Sometimes he even dares to dream about more… mature things, but I never watch those. Even though I'm a part of him, I still know when to give him some privacy.

But sometimes the memories are darker, less cheerful. The door appears in the cave on the play island. Riku vanishes. Kairi vanishes. Sora looks for them everywhere, but he's not able to find them. Heartless and Nobodies are everywhere, holding him back, keeping him from reaching his friends. Sometimes those memories are real, situations that really happened to him. Sometimes they are even darker, horrifying, and sometimes… people die. Those dreams are the worst ones. It always takes hours for him to calm down again. I try to comfort him then, try to feel calm and quiet and composed, even though those dreams are the worst for me too… because they remind me of the very moment my life dissolved into smoke and ashes…

But still… even though it hurts, I try to influence his dreams so I can see _him_ again.

I have to watch him die, and I can never stop it. But I can say goodbye. I can promise I will wait for him. I can hold his hand while I watch his own element devouring him. And there, in Sora's dreams, I can mourn for him. There I can cry for him.

I _hate_ the sunset. It reminds me of how _he_ died.

Dammit, Sora, stop it! Stop staring at the sun! Go home, go to Kairi and cry your eyes out, because you noticed you've fallen in love with Riku but don't know how he feels about you. Or go to Riku and tell him, because he fucking feels the same and is maybe even more insecure than you are. Or go home, go to bed and pull the blanket over your head, cry yourself to sleep like you do so often nowadays…

My angry thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a small sigh. Sora closes his eyes, and I can feel him rest his head on his arms and sigh again.

"What do you want, Roxas?" he asks, and had I had a body I would've stared at him wide-eyed.

Is… is he able to hear me? Can he…

"What do you _want_?" he repeats tiredly, and suddenly I feel ashamed. If he really feels what I feel he has to be feeling awful. I'm angry most of the time, and when I'm not, I'm sad. Who would've thought having a heart would hurt so much? Why did we want to get them back again?

"I don't understand," he continues quietly, and now he looks up again, stares at the setting sun and blinks. Only now I notice how blurry his vision has grown. "I thought you would enjoy watching the sunset. Doesn't it remind you of home?"

I don't have a home. Not anymore. Not since _he_ is gone. Twilight Town never was my home, The World That Never Was even less. My home was where _he_ was.

"What do you want, Roxas?" he asks again, even softer than before, and for a second I wonder if he understood my thoughts. "Show me."

I try. I try so hard to show him. I desperately think of what I wish for the most.

I think of a slender figure, clad in the black robe of the Organization, slender hands clad in black gloves, long, thin fingers which tousled my hair so often… I think of hair, red like fire and spiky and shining as sunlight falls onto it, which reaches lean shoulders, of dark tattoos on pale cheeks… tattoos shaped like teardrops turned upside-down… I think of a smile, thin, pale lips drawn up into this unique, always teasing, haughty smirk… I think of… I try to think of… I _try_…

Oh, _God_…

I can't remember what his eyes looked like! I can't… but… Why? I… I…

I can feel Sora smile softly. How can he _smile_ now? I can't remember what his eyes looked like!

"Green," he says gently. "His eyes were green. You know that."

Green. Yes… green… Green and bright and shining and always glinting mischievously, so… lively. His eyes never were those of a Nobody. He was always the most spirited of all Nobodies of the Organization. Green eyes, adorned by dark make-up most of the time. I always liked his eyes better when they were not hidden by his make-up, but he couldn't stand that. He was weird like that.

Sora closes his eyes, and I can see him. Red hair, like fire, green eyes, like emeralds. A man like a flurry of dancing flames. Laughing and brash, untamable. Destroying and warming at the same time.

"Axel…" Sora and I whisper at the same time. Sora's voice almost sounds like mine. Sora opens his eyes, looks at the horizon again. The sea has almost swallowed the sun, the first stars twinkle in the sky.

"You fool," Sora says sadly. "Why don't you follow him?"

What?

"You promised," Sora continues. "You promised you'd see each other again in the next life."

But…

"You know… it works the other way round too," he states and wipes his face with both hands. "I know you can see my memories. I know you're there when I dream. But I can see you too. _I_ can see _your_ memories. You promised."

Yes…

"It's been more than a year. I'm sure he's already waiting," Sora says and smiles again. "You should go and look for him."

But I am… a part of you…

"You're so much more than that," he replies, and he has to feel my surprise. He laughs. "Yes, I _did_ understand you. Don't ask me why though."

I can't go. I'm a part of you now.

"Not anymore," he disagrees calmly. "You are so much more than that. You are an independent person. You are _Roxas_. And you should really go and live your own life." He pauses for a moment. "Do you… remember that talk I had with Kairi last week?"

Oh, yes. Of course I do.

"I think… you're too different from us, both of you. You and Namine. You lived without us for so long, and you… evolved. We don't fit together anymore. You have to find your own way."

But how?

"I don't know," he admits, but now he smiles again. "But you'll find a way. He's important. You want to see him again, don't you?"

More than anything else.

"Okay then… Go. Find your next life. You'll find him, I know it."

But… What if I won't?

"Then you search some more," Sora answers and laughs again. "If you're only a little bit like me, you will search for him as long as it takes."

Like you searched for Riku?

"Yes," he confirms, but now he sounds sad again. "Like I searched for him."

"Whom are you talking to?"

Sora flinches and turns around, laughs nervously.

"H-Hey, Riku…" he exclaims all too cheerful.

Hey, Asshole.

I really don't understand what Sora sees in him, why he's friends with that boastful, arrogant, cold son of a bitch. There he is, wearing jeans and a light sweater, arms crossed, silvery hair in a low ponytail. Shorter strands fall into his bright, aquamarine-colored eyes, partly hiding them. He stares at Sora, frowning deeply.

There he is, looking like a model even though he's dressed so casually, and he isn't able to smile at his best friend. As cold as a fish, that guy.

"Whom were you talking to?" he asks again, and I can feel Sora shivering. It's not surprising he thinks Riku doesn't care for him anymore. His voice is so cold, almost emotionless, and his eyes are so suspicious and wary… But sometimes, when Riku thinks Sora can't see him, he looks at him in this… strange way. Hm, well, _Sora_ can't see it, but _I_ can. This strange, longing look… Sometimes I was even able to see Riku trying to hide a small smile while he was watching Sora.

I know it hurts Sora not to be able to see his best friend smile anymore. Since they returned to the islands, Riku barely smiled at anyone.

"Nobody," Sora replies dejectedly, and I can feel his frustration and fear. He thinks he's losing his best friend. I can't blame him. Riku's being a dick lately.

"You're lying," Riku growls, his bright eyes narrowing slightly.

Heh. No, Sora didn't lie. He was talking to me… a Nobody. But of course Riku doesn't believe him.

Suspicious asshole.

I think Sora felt my thoughts again, because he flinches slightly, and I can feel him protest feebly.

_Riku isn't like that. He'll be just like before. He's really nice, but he's been through so much…_

You love him.

_What? N-No, he's my friend…_

Tse. Just like Axel was my friend. Stop it, Sora. I can see your dreams, remember? You love him.

_Yes…_

Tell him. Don't wait until it is too late.

This time it's me who closes Sora's eyes. It's me who balls his hands into tight fists. I can feel everything around us, and for a short moment the Nobody I once was stirs, tells me to stay like this, to keep Sora's body and _live_, like a human, like I always wanted…

But I can't. I could never do that to Sora. And…

… I promised someone I'd meet him again.

Slowly I lose all feeling. Far away I can still hear waves rolling onto the sand, hear palm trees rustle, and far, far away I can hear Riku say something. I feel Sora's body falling back into the warm, soft sand. I feel strong arms lifting him up and supporting him. But it's so far away already…

Goodbye, Sora. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Then everything turns black.

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**Author's Notes:** Oh dear, I completely forgot! There are links in my profile now, to fanart people drew for my stories. If you like one of my stories, you _have_ to take a look! NOW!!! 

That's all. For now. Thank you for reading this! And thank you for reviewing! B-cuz review is friend mah gooooood!


	3. Part 3 Riku

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** You really think I would've let Axel die if Kingdom Hearts belonged to me? Fat chance.

**Thanks to:** As always, all of you who reviewed. And especially **Fayette Nudusk**, wo drew 'nother fanart for me. See my profile page for that. And especially** kotilo**, who keeps reviewing even though she gets to read this before I post it here. And especially **Kuraieshi**, who helps me with the translation of this one.

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**Child Again**

**Part 3 - Riku:**

No. Fuck, no! Merlin's fucking beard, what's wrong? We were just talking, and suddenly he just… faints? What the fuck?

"Hey, Sora," I whisper, gently embracing him, and I almost panic when I realize how pale he really is. At least he's breathing. Thank Kingdom Hearts for that!

"Sora?" I repeat and pat his cheek softly, pulling back my hand horrified when it touches icy cold skin. Damn, why is he so cold?

Fear makes me suddenly feel dizzy, but somehow I manage to lift him up and run as fast as I can. He's so lightweight, almost fragile… He's not eating enough lately. Maybe that's why he fainted? Why doesn't he wake up?

Holy Darkness, he's lucky Kairi's house is just a few steps down the beach. I run there, simply kicking in the back door and looking around frantically. There's no sign of Kairi.

Well, _fuck_!

"Kairi!" I yell angrily, looking around for her phone. Ambulance, ambulance, I need a fucking ambulance, and where the fuck is the fucking phone?

I look down at the boy in my arms, and he's still so pale and cold… And suddenly I notice how blurry my vision has grown. I blink, and tears roll down my cheeks.

"Stay with me, Sora," I hear myself whisper and hold him even closer. Before I can stop myself I softly kiss his forehead, my lips touching his unnaturally cold skin. It feels so… right. "I'll be back in a second."

I lay him onto the couch carefully, then run out of the living room, upstairs to Kairi's room. I wrench the door open without bothering to knock…

… and freeze when I notice Kairi lying half on her bed, half on the floor, her arm draped over the fresh sheets, eyes closed. She's just as pale as Sora.

What's happening here, dammit?

But before I can fully and thoroughly freak out, she opens her eyes.

She looks at me, but I doubt she actually _sees_ me. Her eyes are cold and empty, dark and sad and scared. And as she's looking right through me like that, I feel my body grow cold.

Kairi rises shakily, grabs the dresser next to her to steady herself. She slowly walks over to me. I want to say something, _anything_, but my voice fails me. She shoves me away brusquely, and I can only stare at her as she stumbles down the stairs, almost tripping more than once.

Since when is Kairi strong enough to push me away like that?

For a moment I'm not able to do anything but stare at her, but then I force myself to follow her downstairs. I should have expected it, but what I see when I reach the living room still surprises me.

Sora and Kairi are sitting on the couch, holding each other and both of them crying. Kairi is sobbing loudly, both of her hands fisted around the fabric of Sora's thin shirt; Sora stays silent, tears streaming down his pale cheeks, dripping from his chin while he rubs Kairi's back comfortingly.

I hate this familiar feeling which is spreading inside me as I watch them. I know this feeling all too well, and I _hate_ it more than anything.

I envy them. I should be worried, I should try to help them, but the only thing I can think of… is…

Oh God. I envy _Kairi_! Why _her_? I should be _worried_ about her! I should… I… should…

I should _not_ be thinking that _I_ should be the one holding _Sora_. Why Sora? Sora is fine, he's strong, stronger than I could ever be… he…

He's staring at me.

Since when did he staring at me like that? I shiver under his gaze, returning his look hesitantly. His big, blue eyes are darker than usual, and they are still glistening moistly, but there don't seem to be tears anymore. But I can see his lips quiver slightly; I can see him gasp for air jerkily, and it sounds like a soft sob. And again I just want to embrace him and never let go.

"She's gone," Kairi suddenly sobs, and again I feel guilty. I should be worrying about _her_, not about Sora. No, wait, I should be worried about both of them. I'm their friend, both of them are my friends, but somehow… somehow Sora seems to be more important all of sudden…

"I know," Sora replies softly. His voice sounds shaky and choked, as if he was still holding back tears. "He's gone, too."

Hades, who are they talking about?

"S-She s-said… she said she wanted… wanted to help him… find his next life…" Kairi continues, and again I envy her as I watch Sora stroke her hair tenderly. The way he looks at her, so… fondly, it makes the jealousy in my heart return tenfold. What's wrong with me? I knew this would happen eventually! They are meant for each other. And wasn't I in love with Kairi anyway? If anything, I should be envious of Sora…

"I know," Sora repeats, and I can see a lone tear running down his cheek again. "I'm so sorry, Kairi, I think it's my fault…"

"No, no, it's not!" she disagrees quickly, laying a finger over his lips to silence him. "Both of them had wanted to do this for a long time."

"But I told him to do it," Sora sobs loudly and hugs her close once again. This time it's her who strokes his hair calmingly and looks at him so tenderly, and that's even worse than the other way round. "I told him… I… He's just _gone_! What if… he's _dead_?"

"No, Sora," she tries to calm him down and shakes her head. "We'll see Roxas and Namine again…"

Ah. I should have known. Those no-good Nobodies. It's the damned blond bastard of a Nobody's fault that Sora is sad. I should have killed him when I had the chance. It would have spared Sora so much pain…

I watch them as they continue to comfort each other, still holding each other, and suddenly I feel even more left out than usual. I'm useless. I always was. They have each other, and they don't need anything or anyone else. I couldn't understand what they are going through anyway…

Kairi took my best friend away from me. That means… I have nobody. I'm alone.

What am I _doing_ here anyway?

And just now, as I'm turning around to leave, Sora looks up to me again.

"Don't you _dare_," he hisses angrily, and I can't help but flinch. I've never seen him this angry. Not even while we were fighting Xemnas. His furious glare breaks my crippled, black heart.

But I stop, watching nervously as he quickly looks at Kairi, his eyes once again warm and caring. The jealousy that has been gnawing away on my mind and heart the whole time returns even stronger, slowly creating a bitter lump in my throat, nearly suffocating me.

Kairi smiles and nods, and I can't stand to watch them any longer. I turn around and walk away, ignoring Sora yelling at me furiously.

What does he _want_? He has Kairi, Kairi has him, everything's just _fan-fucking-__tastic_! Why should I stay? I'm only interfering. It was obvious everything would change when we came back. I knew even back then the mistakes I made would change our relationship, hurt our friendship…

Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed in the Darkness forever. It would be easier for both of them.

"Stop!" Sora yells, but I ignore him. "Dammit, Riku! Wait!

"Shouldn't you be with Kairi?" I hiss sharper than intended. Of course it feels horrible to treat Sora like this. He doesn't deserve that. _I_ am the one who has a problem with his feelings for Kairi. _I_ am the one who has a problem with _everything_. It's wrong to treat him like this, but I can't help it.

Sora doesn't answer my question, and that should have warned me. A moment later a hand closes around my arm and holds me back, and then he kicks at my legs and pulls at my arm at the same time. I trip and fall into the warm sand.

The fall causes the air to flee my lungs, and I gasp for air surprised. Crap. I'm getting slow. A year ago he'd never have been able to surprise me like that.

I try to stand up again, but suddenly Sora kneels over me, straddles my hips and grabs my arms, holds them down with surprising strength. His grip is painful, but my hurting wrists are really the least of my problems right now. The furious, cold glare he's directing at me is way worse. His unbelievably blue eyes are so _cold_… They make me want to crawl under a rock and die like the scum I really am…

"I told you to _wait_, Riku!" he growls, and my heart skips a beat.

"Leave me alone," I reply childishly and try to free my arms half-heartedly. I'm still stronger than he is, but somehow… I don't really want to break free. Somehow I like this, in a perverted, twisted way… Even though he's mad at me, I like being near him, I enjoy the close proximity between us, I enjoy every touch.

"Why are you so _stupid_?" he screams, and I wince when a tear drops from his eyes onto my face. I didn't want that. I didn't mean to make him cry. "Why are you so _cold_ all the time? Give me my Riku back!"

_His_ Riku?

"_Your_ Riku?" I hear myself ask before I can hold myself back. "What are you talking about?"

"I want my Riku back!" he repeats almost hysteric. "I want the Riku back who comforted me when I fell down and hurt myself, the one who teased me when I lost a race, and who defended me against the bigger boys in school, and who persuaded me into building a raft and sail around the world… I want the Riku back who always listened to me, who watched fishes with me for hours, who watched so many sunsets with me, who persuaded me into eating so much ice cream until we both were so sick we almost threw everything up again, who always made me laugh and laughed with me over the stupidest things, and who argued with me, and practiced with me, and played with me, and who did _everything_ with me! _Where __has__ this Riku go__ne_?"

"Maybe he lost his way in the Darkness," I reply quietly and look away. "Let go."

For a moment he stays silent. When I look up again Sora stares at me, pure astonishment and disbelief written all over his face. And then…

I should have seen it. I should have been able to stop him, but I don't even think about preventing him from hitting me. My head whips around, and my face hurts where Sora punched me. Maybe I could have stopped him, but… I deserved it, didn't I? I deserve worse, and I won't defend myself against anything he wants to do to me. He's right. He's so right. I have changed, and not for the better, it seems.

Indeed, where has this Riku gone Sora is talking about so fondly? Where has this Riku gone Sora seems to miss? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell Sora what he wants to hear. Some days it feels like he's still in there, this Riku, but some days I feel like he's dead. Where has the boy gone who wanted to sail around the world? I wish I knew. I really do.

Unbelievable it's been only two years since I opened the door in the secret place. Sometimes I feel so much older. So useless, so burnt out.

I endangered the islands carelessly. I endangered my friends. I put Kairi's life at risk… But the worst thing is… I also risked Sora's life, just by being the arrogant asshole I was. I still am. Just because I was so proud, so insolent. I betrayed him. Just because of that I should be killed. Just because I left him alone like this…

I wince and my head jerks around again when suddenly Sora fists both his hands in my sweater and rests his forehead on my chest. For a second I can't move, can only stare down at the messy, chocolate colored shock of hair adorning his head, then I look up to the sky. I try to calm down my racing heart. I feel Sora's slender body jerk, and I hear a soft sob falling from his mouth. Yet another reason, on the seemingly endless list, why I should've stayed in the Darkness forever.

"Give him back," he whimpers softly, and the way he says it, so helpless and confused and lonely, it makes me wish I could turn back time. I wish I could take everything back, everything I ever said or did to hurt him. It's wrong, it's so wrong to see Sora like this. This isn't Sora. Sora is strong, stronger than I could ever be; he's optimistic and selfless, confident. He's the real Keyblade-master, and he's the best friend I could ever wish for…

Sora is… perfect.

Maybe… he's too perfect for somebody like me.

"I can't," I reply choked, feeling something warm and wet rolling down my cheek. The stars suddenly seem blurred, and I gasp desperately for air, trying to fight the suffocating feeling of self-hate and despair welling up in my chest.

"Please," Sora begs and presses his face against my shoulder. "Please, give him back. Bring him back to me. Come back, Riku, please!" Another sob forces its way from his mouth, and this time I can't hold one back myself. "Stop shutting me out. Talk to me! _Please_, Riku!"

"Why?" I shout and press my fists against my eyes so hard it hurts and red and black stars explode behind my lids. "Why, Sora? Why do you always try to talk to me? _Why_?"

"Because I _need_ you, you idiot!" he yells back without looking at me.

"You don't need me!" I object stubbornly. "You have Kairi, and Tidus and all the others. You have so many friends in all the worlds out there! What do you need _me_ for? You almost died because of me more than once…"

I want to say so much more, but I can't. Warm, a bit rough, sweet tasting lips swallow my words and silence me effectively. Even though my eyes are open I can't see anything for a moment. Hell, I can't even breathe for a moment, I can't think, I can only feel, and the feeling is overwhelming, even though the kiss barely lasts for a second.

When I finally manage to focus my eyes on Sora, he is staring down at me again. He looks surprised and sad and frustrated, and again I notice tears in his big eyes.

"Roxas was right," he whispers and tries to stand up. "You _are_ a suspicious asshole. And an _idiot_."

What the fuck just _happened_?

Still unable to move or say anything I watch Sora as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and rises to his feet. Did… Did he just… Did he _really_ just …

My body reacts before I can finish this thought. My hand shoots up and grabs his wrist, yanks him back harshly. This time it's him who falls into the sand, this time it's me who kneels over him and stares down into wide, surprised, unearthly beautiful blue eyes. I feel my heart speeding up until it beats twice, three times, ten times faster than before. This time it's me who leans down to capture his lips in a kiss. This one is different, less gentle, more urgent, harder and at the same time searching, pleading. This time it's Sora who's too stunned to react for a moment, but then he gently responds to my kiss, raises his arms and runs his hand through my hair calmingly. I can't hold back a small sob and kiss him again, way more gentle than before.

"I need you too," I whisper when I finally manage to tear myself away from him again, and I try to smile. I don't know if I succeed in doing that, but he smiles too, and it's the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It's perfect, like everything about him.

He laughs, and I stop fighting the broad grin spreading over my own face.

"Took you long enough, stupid," he giggles and shoves me aside playfully, sitting up and brushing sand from his clothes. He's still smiling as he watches me out of the corner of his eyes.

"Yeah," I agree quietly, reaching out to touch his cheek with my fingertips gently. I must admit I like the way he blushes and smiles nervously when I do that too much. "Long enough."

Stars twinkle above, cold and far away and bright like diamonds on the black velvet of the night sky, and I _know_ nobody in all the worlds out there can be happier than me right now.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I don't know... some sentences still sound strange to me. X3 Oh well. 

Ehm... Review? Thanks!


	4. Part 4 Sora

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** No! They do not belong to me! Stop asking!

**Thanks to:** As always, all of you who reviewed. **Kuraieshi**, who betaed this for me again, **kotilo**, who drew some adorable piccies... And **Jupiter 13 **and **Siavahda**, who also reviewed this story! Thankies!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 4 - Sora: **

It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend.

It's been nine months. Nine months since Riku and I kissed for the first time. And the second time. And… well, a few times.

So many things changed. A few years ago I would have never thought that. Dude, if anybody told me I'd fall in love with my best friend back then, I wouldn't have believed them for sure… Yeah, okay, if anybody told me about Heartless and Nobodies back then I wouldn't have believed that either. That's not the point. The point _is_: everything seems to have changed since then. I don't know when it happened, but at some point during my journey finding Riku had seemed to become more important than finding Kairi. Maybe it was because I knew Kairi was safe here, on Destiny Islands. Maybe I was just worried about him, because he had been trapped in the darkness. Maybe it was him I was in love with all along. Who knows? It's not important anymore. We've been together for nine months now, and everything is great.

But still, everything stayed the same. Riku and I are still best friends, and we still hang out with Kairi often. It's just… a little bit different. When we go to the play island now, both of them tease me about the picture I did all those years ago, that picture of me and Kairi in the Secret Place… Kairi always tells me to change it so it's Riku and I sharing a paopu fruit, and then she teases Riku by saying there's no chalk white enough to even approximately match his skin color. And then he always blushes so adorably, and then he starts to tease her about the crush she developed on this one guy in school and… Well, you get the picture. Different, and yet the same. I still talk with Kairi, either about Riku or our Nobodies.

And I still spar with Riku, but nowadays I can beat him almost as often as he beats me. And nowadays our sparring sessions tend to end with hot kisses in the warm sand, and shaking hands on flushed skin… No, _that_ didn't happen… yet. But we only train on the play island anymore, to avoid getting caught _if_ something happened…

Ah, damn, I'm blushing again! Stupid blushing, that happens way too often lately…

Hm, I should probably be more worried… My Mom is in labor right now after all…

Yeah, I'm gonna be a big brother! How cool is that? Five months ago my parents told us… Eh, no, siblings for me weren't exactly _planned_, that just… kinda… happened. My parents are almost never at home, they are on business trips all the time. No, they didn't exactly _want_ more children. That's why I agreed to stay at home with my siblings and take care of them… I'm almost grown up anyway. It's kinda weird, but still I'm pretty excited about them.

Yep, twins. As far as I know it's gonna be a boy and a girl. Kairi's overjoyed, she even told my parents she'd help me watching out for the twins as long as my parents aren't home. She always wanted a sister. And since my parents almost adopted her anyway, and since she's like a sister for me already… Well, she's _family_. She even helped preparing the room for the babies. I had to give up my own room… Riku and I are getting the old guest room. Thank Kingdom Hearts our house is big enough. Since Riku's parents kicked him out (mainly because of me… loooong story…) he's living with me, and Kairi visits almost every day too. We're gonna be a pretty big family, even when my parents aren't home.

"Sora, would you please sit down?" Kairi asks without looking up from that strange hospital-waiting room-magazine she's reading. "You're making me nervous."

"You're even scared of Shadows, no wonder Sora makes you nervous already," Riku sneers from his nearby seat. Kairi slaps his head playfully, and he smirks. "Ow!"

"Pansy," she says sweetly and continues to read.

"Bitch," he replies just as nicely, still grinning.

I sigh deeply and turn around to look at the door again. This big, cold, unbelievably ugly green door keeping me from my parents… since… hm… about six hours. I wasn't even able to get coffee because I was too scared I could miss something. Dammit.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, I can see something! It's Dad, and he's wearing one of those ugly green hospital coat thingies… And, and…

Woah, I've never seen him grin like that…

When the stupid door finally opens I try to push past him almost instantly, but he holds me back laughing.

"Where are they? Are they okay? C'mon Dad, I wanna see theeeeeeeeeeem! Daddyyyyyyy!" I beg and try to wrench myself free. He just laughs again and hugs me.

"They are okay. Both of them are alright, just like your mother," he replies, and his blue eyes glint with happiness. "I want to show you, come on." He turns to look at Kairi and Riku who came closer unnoticed. "I'm sorry, you two, family only right now."

"That's okay, Sora can tell us everything," Kairi replies smiling.

"Don't wanna watch crying pink midgets anyway," Riku… somewhat agrees, earning himself another smack on the head from a still smiling Kairi. "_Jesus_, woman! That hurts!"

Dad laughs again and grabs my arm to drag me through that ugly green door. It closes behind us noiselessly.

Maaaaaaaan, I'm so excited…

"What names did you give them?" I ask nervously, fidgeting with my gloves. Dad smiles and shakes his head.

"We haven't thought of names for them yet. Your mother and I wanted to let you and your friends decide their names," he answers lightly. "We wanted to talk to you about it tomorrow. Seems like your brother and your sister had other plans though."

I nod absentmindedly, smiling distractedly. Babies are crying everywhere… I wonder if I was this loud too when I was born?

"You were the loudest one," Dad says smiling, and I blush again. Did I say that out loud? Maaaaan… "You were so different from those two. They are so well-behaved, it's unbelievable…"

"More like Mom, eh?" I ask jokingly, and he nods grinning.

"Here we are. You go visit them; I have to talk to the doctors." He points to one of the doors. "I'll be back in a second, okay?"

I watch him go, then reach out and open the door hesitantly. Wow, when was the last time I was this nervous? A long time ago, that's for sure…

Mom is sitting on her bed, two small bundles in her arms. She smiles when she finally notices me.

"Come here, darling," she whispers. I think the babies are sleeping. I nod and step closer cautiously and as quietly as possible. "Do you want to hold your little brother?"

"What, me?" I hear myself ask surprised, and almost immediately one of the small bundles moves. I clamp both hands over my mouth. "Sorry," I add choked.

"Here, you can take him," she repeats calmly and raises her right arm a bit. "Careful. You have to hold him like this… Yes, just like that."

O-kay. That's… weird. Definitely weird. I pull the small blanket away from a tiny face warily. The 'pink midget' really seems to sleep… Eyes closed, a tiny little fist in his mouth, tiny nostrils puffing just a tiny little bit as he breathes. My, all about him is so _tiny_! Mom gently pulls the blanket from the other baby, and it's looking just the same… I really can't tell if there's a difference between them at all. Tiny faces, tiny fingers, tiny heads, a light, blond, fluffy tuft of hair on both tiny heads. But they look just the _same_. Strange.

"Your father and I wanted to talk with you and Riku and Kairi about their names tomorrow," Mom says quietly, and I nod hesitantly. "Did you think of any names yet?"

"Not really," I reply reluctantly, then I freeze. The baby, it just _moved_… I look down guiltily, watching as a tiny fist is taken out of a tiny mouth, I watch tiny arms struggling free from the blankets and a tiny nose wrinkle. And then the baby opens its eyes.

Those are _his_ eyes!

"Roxas…" I gasp and blink a few times, staring into deep blue eyes. I have no clue why I just said that. God, most babies have got blue eyes, haven't they? And many babies are blond… Mom is blond too; maybe they inherited their hair color from her? But… somehow…

The longer I stare into those innocent blue eyes, the surer I am it's him. I can almost hear him laughing freely in my head. I never heard him laugh like this before though… so happy, so at ease… But the way the baby looks at me, the way it cocks its head to the side and reaches out to grab my nose… I don't know, my heart just tells me I'm holding my Nobody in my arms right now.

"That's a nice name, Sweetie," Mom says softly. I look at her dazedly, and suddenly the baby starts to cry. High-pitched and piercing and more than unpleasant, but I still have to smile.

"Wasn't Roxas one of your friends? One of those people you met on your journey?" Mom asks. I give the noisy little squirt back, and she smiles and starts to rock him, cooing nonsense words to calm him down. But now the girl wakes up too, chiming in the clamor.

One of my friends. Yeah, I guess you could say that. I didn't tell my parents everything… They wouldn't have believed me anyway. I mean, they already had problems believing I was able to use magic and travelled to all those worlds, they would never believe I defeated Ansem… or Xemnas…

But I'm surprised she remembered Roxas' name. I'm pretty sure I only mentioned him once or twice… It was always hard to talk about him when I knew he was there, in my head, listening to every word I said… and it was too painful to talk about him when he suddenly was gone. I thought… I really thought he was _gone_.

"Do you want to call him that?" Mom asks softly and I nod hesitantly. Little Roxas looks up to me, scrunching up his little nose and crying even louder, and the crying girl opens her eyes too.

"And Namine," I state firmly, looking into another pair of deep blue eyes. What did Kairi say? Namine wanted to help Roxas find his next life…

"I thought you and the others didn't think of names for them yet?" Mom shakes her head when I shrug and scratch my head sheepishly. "Oh, that's fine. Those are very nice names." She smiles at me again. "I'm sure your father will love them. Do you want to tell him?"

I lean forward and press a quick kiss to her forehead. A nurse enters the room and frowns at me strangely. "Love you, Mom," I whisper, then I run out of the room to look for my Dad.

* * *

"So? How was it?" Kairi immediately leaps at me as soon as I leave the newborn nursery. 

I simply can't get rid of that wide grin on my face. I look at Kairi, then at Riku, and a stupid giggle escapes me when he raises a silvery brow questioningly.

"Don't you dare to assault my Nobody again," I exclaim cheerfully and laugh when he frowns at me confused. "'Cause he's my brother now!"

"What?" he utters puzzled, but Kairi immediately drowns him out with a loud, overjoyed cry. She grabs my hand with both of hers, grinning just as wide as me.

"Roxas?" she asks and squeals again when I nod.

"And Namine," I add, and now she freezes and stares at me baffled.

"You sure?" Riku asks hesitantly, obviously still not believing me. "How do you know?"

"Suspicious asshole," I reply lovingly, and now he smirks amused again. That was what Roxas always called him… "I just _know _it!"

"… and Namine…" Kairi repeats shakily, still squeezing my hand. She blinks, then shakes her head, and then a beaming smile lights up her pretty face again. She hugs me, laughing freely, tears glistening in her big, deep lavender eyes. "She _told_ me, but I never believed she would really make it… She _told_ me she'd find a way back…"

"She did," I agree and hug her close for a second. Then she lets go of me again, hugging Riku just as joyful.

"Oh, I have to tell the others!" she laughs and lets go of him again. She waves at us, already running to the door leading out of the nursery. "Later, guys! Sora, could you please tell your parents I'll come by later? Bye!" And then she's gone.

Riku watches her, shaking his head smiling. Then his aquamarine eyes fix on me again.

"And there I believed I'd finally gotten rid of that little blond pest," he mocks and chuckles amusedly when I flick his nose pouting. "You really sure it's him?"

"As sure as I am hopelessly and utterly in love with you," I reply grinning and lay my arms around his neck. Oh, he's so cute when he's blushing… He doesn't seem to cope with all this lovey-dovey stuff very well…

"I guess I'll have to come to terms with him _again_ then," he says, screwing up his nose and kissing me gently. And letting go of me again rather quickly when around us people start to gasp for air and whisper because of us.

"You're cute when you're blushing," I tell him grinning, without letting go of him. I don't care there still seem to be people who don't like seeing us together. He still feels uncomfortable when uptight Grannies or startled mothers with their children stare at us, scandalized.

"I'm not _cute_," he growls and grabs my arms.

"Of course you're not," I giggle and steal another sweet kiss before I pull back, causing people to whisper again. He sighs, but he makes no move to stop me. He gave up keeping me from doing that a long time ago. I can't help it. I'm just a touchy-feely kinda person.

"You'll be the death of me one day, Sora," Riku sighs, but he raises his hand to gently caress my cheek.

"You don't really believe I would ever let you die, do you?" I reply jokingly. He rolls his eyes, but at least he smiles again. I love his smile. It makes me feel all jittery and weird and nervous every time, but in a good way. Because I know I'm the only one he smiles for like this. My Riku.

He kisses me again, and the almost palpable awkwardness filling the waiting room doesn't seem to bother him anymore. And for the first time in months I feel like everything is alright.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** We-ell, now you know how the Nobodies get back into the picture. OMG, BABY NOBODIES!!! XD And cuz it's almost Christmas, I'm gonna post the next chapter as well! 

You can still review this one as well though. Laterrrrrrr!


	5. Part 5 Riku

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** As if I'd write fanfiction if I was boss of SquareEnix. XP

**Thanks to:** Ehm... see last chapter? o.O

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 5 - Riku: **

Radiant Garden has grown quite a bit since I've been here the last time.

I wonder why Leon wanted to see Sora. It has been so long…

More than four years. More than four years since Sora and I defeated Xemnas. Roxas and Namine are two years old now; we celebrated their birthday last week. There are still people who think they are Sora's and Kairi's kids. Sometimes that hurts. And sometimes it hurts to see them together, Sora and Kairi and the twins, because they really look like a perfect little family. Sometimes I still doubt I fit into this picture… but every time I think things like that, every time I fear Darkness could overcome me again, Sora _knows_ and banishes it with only a smile.

I don't deserve him, I really don't. I _know_ I don't, but still he stays with me. I still thank every God there is, Light and Darkness and everything that's in between, for the privilege to wake up next to him every morning.

Unless Roxas chooses to wake us up by running into our room, screaming on top of his lungs and jumping onto the bed to cuddle with his older brother. Oh no, I can't be mad at him because of that. He's an adorable child, not at all like the bitter, spiteful Nobody I got to know him as. He's really sweet; he just tends to get jealous when Sora cares for me rather than for him. He demands attention, that blond squirt, and he's a master when it comes to pouting, but he's easily reconciled with some sea-salt ice cream.

Namine is much quieter and even sweeter than him, just like Kairi's Nobody back then. She already started drawing again. Kairi gave her new crayons last week, and the two of them have almost used them up again already. They spend hours drawing quite colorful pictures of the beach, the sea, trees and everything else Namine wants to draw (which is about everything), while Sora spends most of his time at the beach with Roxas. I spend most of _my_ time with Sora and Roxas of course, but sometimes the two of them are too much for me… I stay at home then, to read or something, and sometimes Kairi makes fun out of braiding my hair with Namine. The midget loves doing that, and I'm never able to refuse her when she looks at me with those big, innocent blue eyes. I have no idea why she likes my hair so much, but as long as she's happy…

Yes, both of them are really cute. Roxas reminds me of Sora sometimes, when he laughs in a certain way or scratches his head just like Sora always did when he was a kid… They have the same eyes, the two brothers. Endlessly deep, unbelievably blue and downright beautiful.

But I digress. About a week ago, just after the birthday party for the twins, Sora received a message from Leon. He asked Sora to come here, but since Sora and Kairi are occupied with looking after the twins, he asked me to travel to Radiant Garden. I actually had two classes today, but hey, who wants to tell _me_ something about the darkest depths of the human mind that I don't know already?

I study Psychology, in case you wondered. I'm twenty now, just started third term in college. Sora and Kairi agreed to stay at home after graduating from High School, at least until the twins are old enough to attend kindergarten. Sora's parents? Well, his Mom started working one year after the twins were born. She and Sora's Dad pay them an adequate pocket money for watching the kids, but they are never home themselves. I don't know if that's the best way to raise children, but who am I to judge? Somebody has to pay the bills… they even pay my tuition fees, even though I told them not to. I work as a private tutor for one of my professors and at the local high school, and I give kendo lessons in my free time… they insist on paying my fees though, because I help Sora and Kairi with the kids.

Well, I guess no 'real' parent could be more loving than Sora and Kairi. Me? I'm the cool uncle or something. Roxas at least runs to me when older children tease him. I seem to scare them somehow. Sora said I looked pretty scary when I frown. Whatever.

I look around curiously while I stroll through the streets of the former and new capital. Radiant Garden healed so quickly… The castle has been almost completely rebuilt. That's very impressive, considering the damage that was afflicted on it all those years ago…

My steps reverberate from the high ceiling of the wide corridors as I look for the room Leon told me to come to. I find it rather quickly, opening the door and entering the room without bothering to knock.

Leon looks up from the pile of documents he is looking through, nodding a curt greeting and pointing at the chair in front of his desk. I sit down and wait politely while he signs some more papers. He didn't change at all… he just wears his dark brown hair in a low ponytail nowadays.

"Thank you for following my invitation so quickly," he finally says and takes off the reading glasses he has to wear now, laying it aside and standing up. "I want to show you something. Follow me."

And I do that, quite curious already. Far away I hear a noise, rumbling and then a yell, then crying… and it sounds like a child. Yes, indeed. I know that sound by heart, believe me. But… a child, here? I think Sora would know if one of his friends had become a parent. But the clamor grows even louder when Leon heads for one of the many doors. He opens it, and the first thing I hear is Aerith's tired voice pleading somebody not to do something. The answer she gets is a loud clash.

"Wasn't me!" a loud child's voice exclaims immediately, seemingly frightened beyond words.

"I know, I know," Aerith tries to calm the child down, but it doesn't seem to understand.

"That wasn't me! I didn't do it! I didn't do nothing!" the child wails terrified. "Pwease don't hurt me! I didn't do it!"

I frown confused and open my mouth to ask Leon something, but he ignores me and opens another door.

My mouth falls open in surprise. Aerith looks up to me, obviously very relieved, but I don't even notice her properly. My eyes are fixed on the child sitting on the floor amidst what looks like china shards, tears in its eyes and trying to pick up the sharp fragments. Aerith picks the kid up and cautiously takes the shards from its tiny hands.

It's a boy, obviously… He's, dunno, three or four years old, and he wears obviously new, but already torn clothing. He clings to Aerith, obviously very frightened and still crying quietly, sniffing every now and then and wincing when Aerith gently wipes tears from his reddened cheeks. Red hair. Green eyes.

"Axel?" I gasp unbelievingly. The squirt turns his head and stares at me, but then he throws his thin arms around Aerith's neck and hides his face in her long hair.

It's him, no doubt. His hair is shorter of course, but it has the same unique color and already spikes out all around his head. His eyes are colored just the same too, and their shape… Of course his face is rounder, more childish, and the eye-catching tattoos he had on his cheeks back then are missing, but… still. Like Sora recognized Roxas and Namine as soon as they were born, I just know this child is that crazy, pyromaniac Nobody who aided Sora against the Organization.

"We found him a week ago," Leon explains to me calmly. "He was rummaging our kitchen scraps. His parents obviously neglected him… there hasn't been a missing person's report submitted yet. He was scared and already halfway starved when we found him, and he refuses to tell us his name."

"Daddy hurts me if I tell you," a thin voice suddenly says, muffled through Aerith's hair. "Daddy says I'm not allowed to talk to stwangews."

Aerith sighs and pets his hair softly.

"Your daddy won't hurt you, sweetie," she coos calmingly and smiles at him. "We won't let him. We'll protect you. Nobody will hurt you, promise."

But he still shakes his head without looking at her. He clings to her even tighter, sniffing again.

"Aerith suspects he was abused," Leon tells me quietly, frowning darkly. Aerith still tries to calm the boy in her arms down. "Yuffie found him and asked Aerith to help her with him… Luckily Aerith has a good memory, and she remembered what Sora told us about this Nobody…"

"Axel," I clarify.

"Yes, Axel," Leon affirms and nods. "We knew he infiltrated Ansem's simulation of Twilight Town to rescue Roxas, so we asked Tron to scan the simulation and analyze his data, to create a replica to compare it with this child. According to Tron, there's a probability of 99.97 percent this child and the Nobody who infiltrated Ansem's simulation are the same person. And… according to your reaction I assume you recognize him?"

"It's him," I confirm his suspicion without taking my eyes off the shock of fire-red hair. Axel has let go of Aerith's neck and grasped the collar of her dress with both hands in the meantime, still not daring to look at her. A small lower lip is jutted out in a pout, and more tears gather in big, bright green eyes. Aerith places him on the floor again, but almost immediately small hands close around the fabric of her dress. The small boy stares at his feet, sniffling every now and then.

"He tries to run away all the time. He doesn't feel comfortable here," Leon continues. "I thought Sora should know about this. We don't know what to do anymore. We can't keep him here against his will."

That's crazy. Even this guy found a way to his next life. Obviously he wasn't as lucky as Roxas and Namine though.

Sora once told me how Axel died. He used to dream about it a lot when Roxas was still with him… I think Roxas somehow made him dream about it. It didn't sound like an easy death. But Sora also told me Roxas and Axel promised to meet again in their next life… I wonder if that little guy over there remembers that…

I step closer to him cautiously, sitting on the floor in front of him. He tries to hide behind Aerith, obviously still frightened.

"Hey," I say calmly. He doesn't answer, just stares at me with those piercing green eyes of his while trying to hide in the folds of Aerith's dress even more at the same time. "I'm Riku."

"My daddy says I'm not allowed to talk to stwangews," he mumbles stubbornly.

"Yeah, I know," I reply, smiling at him. "But you already know my name, don't you? _Riku_. Got it memorized?"

His eyes widen a bit at this, and he bites his lip thoughtfully. His small hands let go of Aerith's dress, and he doesn't even notice her stepping back slowly. "Wi-ku," he tries to repeat my name, scrunching up his little face in concentration. He doesn't quite get it right straight away, but that doesn't keep him from trying. "Wi-ku. Wiiiiiiiku. W-… R-… Rikuuuuuuuu… _Sowa_?"

O-kay, that was… weird.

"Do you remember Sora?" I ask him quickly, trying not to let on how much his comment surprised me. He frowns and seems to think about what he just said. Then he shakes his head.

"Why did I say that?" he asks me confused.

"Doesn't matter," I reply quickly, smiling again. "You know my name now. What's your name?"

"You know that!" he says, and now he laughs, the last trace of tears finally gone. "You dummy! You alweady said it! Axel! Got it memowiiiiiiized?"

"Right, stupid me!" I slap my forehead dramatically, and he laughs again. "And how old are you, Axel?"

"Thwee!" he shouts enthusiastically and raises a hand, three thin fingers stretched out. Way too thin for a child his age. The sleeve of his t-shirt slides up his arm, and his arm is too thin too.

"Three, hm? That's pretty old," I reply still smiling, but now I examine him more closely. He's really scrawny, so much it almost frightens me, but also rather tall for his age, and I notice a just healed, ugly looking wound on his arm and a barely visible bruise on his jaw. His new looking pants are torn at his knees, and I also notice a scratch on his palm, probably from the shards from before. He's in a terrible condition, but at least he's laughing now, and his bright eyes, which are framed by strangely thick, red lashes, sparkle with happiness.

"You're oldew than me!" he protests and then giggles cheerily, then he leans forward, laying a small hand onto my shoulder and whispering into my ear conspiratorially. "But he's even oldew than _you_!" He points at Leon, who just raises a brow in mild surprise.

"I know, and he never ever laughs," I reply just as quietly, and Axel giggles into his hand secretly. "Axel… where do you live?"

All at once the giggling stops, and his almond-shaped eyes lose their sparkle.

"Can't say," he mumbles, nervously shuffling his feet.

"Do you want to go back there? You have to tell me if you want, or else I can't bring you back," I continue, and he bites his lip, finally shaking his head.

"Dun wanna go back," he whispers. "Mommy's sleeping all the time, and Daddy always yells and hurts me." He sniffles quietly. "I'm a bad boy. Daddy always gets mad at me, because I'm bad… My, my little bwother is dead because of me, daddy says that… and then he hurts me." He suddenly lungs at me and grabs my arm, clinging to it as he starts to cry again. "I dun wanna go back there! Pwease don't bwing me back there!"

For a moment I can only stare down at him, and far away I can hear Aerith gasp. What kind of asshole tells his own son it's his fault his brother died? And how anybody could hurt a small child like him is beyond me anyway. That coward!

"Hm… What should we do with you then?" I ask and act as if I was thinking about it, careful not to show how furious I am. "Do you… do you want to stay here? With Auntie Aerith and that old guy?"

A small giggle escapes him between his soft sobs, but he's serious again when he looks up to me. He shakes his head slowly, trying to hold back the hiccups still escaping his trembling lips.

"N-No," he replies shakily. "It's spooky here. The… the walls are so high, and… and… everything is like… is like _before_!" Now he pouts and crosses his thin arms in front of his chest. "Dunno. I can't sleep, because then the Nobodies come and get me!"

"Nobodies?" I press him on, throwing Leon a surprised look. He just shakes his head, obviously as clueless as me. Axel nods darkly.

"They live in big houses, just like here," he answers sullenly.

Oh. Okay. He seems to remember the Castle That Never Was. Or Castle Oblivion. Or both, at least unconsciously.

"And what do we do with you then?" I ask gently, crossing my arms. He copies me, looking down at his feet and sniffling again. A trembling lower lip juts out, clear teardrops glint on his lashes. "Hey," I add softly, running a hand through his spiky hair soothingly. Feels surprisingly soft. "Axel, what do you think about islands?"

He looks up to me again, tears making his bright eyes shine even brighter. "What's an island?" he asks warily, his thin voice shaking even more. Aerith steps closer to me cautiously, handing me a tissue. I smile at her briefly, then hand the tissue over to the small, red-haired boy in front of me. He takes it obediently, blowing his nose and looking around helplessly. Aerith gently takes the used tissue away from him and ruffles his hair with the other hand.

"An island?" I step in again. "There are palm trees and beaches and… Do you know what a beach is?" He shakes his head shyly. "On a beach there's sand everywhere, and water as far as the horizon… that's called 'sea'. And there are sea shells and crabs and fishes 'n stuff…"

"'N stuff…" he giggles, once again smiling.

"It's always warm on those islands. I bet you like it when it's warm, hm?" He nods enthusiastically and I have to smile. "And if you want to go from one island to the other you have to use boats. I live on an island, you know?"

"Ooooooh…" he breathes awestruck, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Do you want to live on an island like that too?" I ask him, and he nods again, even more eagerly than before. "Do you want to come with me?"

"But…" His face falls in an instant, and he bites his lip again, glancing at the remains of the vase he knocked down earlier. "I… I always bweak things…"

"You know, a good friend of mine tended to do that too when he was your age," I reply grinning.

"But I'm a bad boy," he insists stubbornly.

"You're not. You're a good boy," I disagree. Well, in the end he _was_. Which side he really was on back then? No clue. He was the hardest to read of all the enemies Sora ever fought against. I personally think he was on Roxas' side all along.

"But…" he tries to object again, but I just shake my head.

"Axel, you have to tell me if you want to come with me."

"To the island."

"To the island, yes." I smile again. "I have friends there who'd love to see you again."

"See me _again_?" he repeats and cocks his head to the side a bit. I ignore his questioning gaze.

"My friend there has a brother and a sister, both just a bit younger than you," I continue calmly. "You'd even have somebody to play with, see?"

"Younger than me?" he repeats skeptically. "But my daddy…"

"Your daddy," I interrupt him, gently taking his scrawny arms, "is an idiot and told you things that are _not true_. Do you understand? You're a good boy, and I need you to help me and my friends look after Roxas and Namine. We need a big boy like you to help us."

I watch him closely as I say their names, but he shows no sign of recognition. He only stares back thoughtfully, and suddenly a wide grin almost splits his face in half.

"Daddy is an idiot," he repeats, beaming at me cheerily. "I'm a big boy! I can look after W-Wokass and Nani… Nanime?"

"Roxas and Namine."

"Woks… W… Rrrrroks… Roxas," he repeats and giggles when I nod approvingly. "Nan… Namineeeee."

"Yeah, that's it. Do you want to come with me?" I ask again and reach out to him.

He stares at my hand for a while. Then he takes it slowly. "O-kay," he states firmly, small fingers closing around my hand tightly. "To the island."

* * *

The others notice my new appendage of course as soon as we reach the gummi ship. 

"Good grief!" King Mickey immediately squeaks, and Donald quacks something I probably couldn't understand even if I tried to make out the words. Goofy seems only mildly surprised though.

"Gwarsh, Riku. Where didya pick up this little one?" He leans down to look at Axel who watches his every move warily. The small redhead hides behind my legs and peers around me cautiously.

"He was Leon's surprise," I answer. Goofy laughs this strange, chortling laugh of his and tries to entice Axel out of hiding by making funny faces. Surprisingly I really am able to hear soft giggling behind me.

"Good grief, Goofy!" Donald chatters almost unintelligibly. "Leave the child alone, you big oaf!"

Axel giggles again, but he hides again when the king tries to sneak a peek at him.

"Riku…" the king says slowly at looks up to me. "Are you aware this boy looks like…"

"Axel, say hello to Mickey, Donald and Goofy," I say a bit louder and pick him up. He squeals surprised and throws his arms around my neck, looking down wide-eyed.

"Woah, that's so high!" he giggles breathlessly, holding onto me tighter. Heh, he should get used to it. A few years from now he'll be taller than me…

"If you want to come to the island with me, you've got to be polite," I tell him calmly. He blinks at me, then blushes and smiles nervously.

"Hello," he says quickly, adding "You're a _mouse_!" amazed.

"Undeniable," Mickey agrees. "You want to take him with you to Destiny Islands?"

"He and Roxas promised they'd meet again," I reply shrugging. "I just want to help them keep their promise."

"Alright," Mickey sighs, shaking his head. "You'll do it anyway, and I guess Sora and you can keep him in check." He grins. "Oh my, what a year, right?"

* * *

Axel waves the gummi ship goodbye excitedly after the king drops us off. He spent the whole flight pressing his little nose flat on the window. But he didn't dare to leave my side the whole flight. Now I know how Sora feels with Roxas clinging to him all the time… 

Speaking of them…

"Riku," I hear Sora's familiar voice and turn around. He just seems to have noticed the redheaded boy, who's trying to hide behind me once again.

Sora freezes and his eyes widen impossibly in his suddenly pale face, and Roxas, whom he's holding in his arms, looks at his brother confused. The toddler waves one of his chubby hands in front of Sora's eyes, the other hand occupied with an already melting ice cream bar. Behind the boys Kairi and Namine leave the house, and Kairi also freezes, staring at Axel unbelievingly. Namine looks up to her just as confused as her twin, pulling at the hem of Kairi's dress.

Everything stays silent for a while, save for the gentle rolling of the waves and a lone seagull crying somewhere.

"Riku… is that…" Sora starts and tries to say the name, but he can't quite get it out.

"Hello!" a small voice behind me pipes up, but the boy hides behind me again when Sora and Kairi only manage a shaky smile. He plucks at my wristband. "They don't like me!" he whispers.

"Of course they do." I grasp his hand gently and drag him with me as I walk over to them, ignoring his weak protests. "Say hello."

"Alweady said that," he mumbles pouting and looks at the floor. He doesn't even look up when Sora puts Roxas down gently.

The blond boy examines the redhead for a while, watches him draw strange patterns into the white sand with his foot nervously. Finally he seems to make up his mind, stepping closer to the taller boy.

The smaller one reaches out to the taller one, offering him his ice cream. The whole scene would have been so cliché if the boys hadn't been so _cute_.

"'lo," Roxas mumbles, sticky fingers in his mouth while he speaks. The ice cream in his other hand melts and runs over his small fingers, dripping to the ground. Axel stares at him for a moment, a mixture of hope and longing filling his bright eyes… then the moment is over, and the redhead grins.

"Hello," he replies and takes the offered ice cream, but as soon as the sticky, cold treat leaves his hand Roxas seems to have second thoughts about this whole sharing thing. He screws up his small face slowly. Uh-oh. I know that look all too well… he'll start to cry every moment now…

But Axel seems to notice, because he just nips on the salty-sweet treat before he gives it back. Roxas grabs it beaming, putting it into his mouth and sucking on it happily.

"You have wed hair," he finally states, looking at Axel's brightly colored hair fascinated. He seems to forget about his halfway melted ice cream, dropping it carelessly. "I like you."

"Youw eyes aw pwetty," Namine adds, and the blond twins stare at the taller boy wide-eyed.

"Oooooh," Axel says and turns around to look at me. "They look the same, look!"

"That's because they are twins," I explain to him, but he just frowns at me blankly. "Here, that's Roxas and she's called Namine." I point at the boy, then at the girl. "Guys, this is Axel. Do you want to show him the garden? We grown-ups have to talk."

"But So-So said he'd build a sandcastle with us," Roxas protests and pouts. Aw, Sora looked just the same when he was so small…

"We'll build one all together later," Sora promises and ruffles his brother's golden hair. "Go and show Axel everything. We'll be with you in a sec, okay?"

"What's a sandcastle?" Axel suddenly pipes up meekly, causing everybody to stare at him again. The twins immediately cling to his arms.

"You don't know?" Roxas asks startled, then he shakes his head and lays his small hands on his hips. "We've got to do something about it then!"

Us 'grown-ups' have to smile at this. He overheard Sora saying that once, and ever since he says it all the time. We watch them as Roxas takes Axel's hand and drags him with him, Namine following them into the garden.

"He looks the same," Kairi says softly, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Only smaller and without his tattoos," Sora agrees. "Riku… is he really…"

"Axel," I confirm. "He's three years old. Leon and the others found him in Radiant Garden. He doesn't remember Roxas, but he knows something about Nobodies, at least unconsciously."

"Hm," Sora hums and tips a finger against his chin thoughtfully. "Seems like Axel found his life sooner than Roxas did, huh?"

"He's so skinny," Kairi says compassionately.

"He wasn't as lucky with his new family as Roxas and Namine were," I reply darkly, thinking of his bastard of a father. I shrug, trying to get rid of those dark thoughts. "So what? I promised him he could stay here."

"Oh, sure… it's just…" Sora scratches his head warily. "We don't really have enough rooms…"

"He can stay with me," Kairi states firmly, surprising us both. "What? I have a spare guest room, he can stay with me. No big deal."

"But… but he tried to abduct you," Sora splutters.

"Oh, don't be silly. He's three years old," Kairi puts him off. "Besides…" She sighs. "I could understand him… somehow, you know? He just wanted to see Roxas again, like I wanted to see you guys. I could never be mad at him. He was so… sad, even back then." She wrinkles her nose. "Unlike Saïx. That guy was just plain creepy."

"But…" I try to protest now, but she doesn't even give me a chance to speak.

"I have enough room for him, and it's just down the street, so he would be able to visit Roxas anytime he wants," she explains. Oh, and we both know that look. She's made up her mind, and nothing we can say will change that. "If he doesn't mind he can stay with me, as long as he wants."

"Will nobody miss him back in Radiant Garden?" Sora asks curiously

Not really…

"Leon's doing the paperwork," I explain hesitantly. "He said he'll try to grant custody for Axel to us. I agreed to that."

"All already done, huh?" Kairi laughs, and Sora shakes his head smiling as well.

"Of course I told him to wait for you guys to agree," I add smirking. "But I didn't think there would be a problem with that."

"O-kay, it's settled then," Sora laughs. "Gee, our family is getting quite big, isn't it?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Soooooo, that's enough for the holidays! I hope you like! And if you didn't do it yet... check out the links to fanart that was drawn for me on my profile page! 

Other than that: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Have a nice holiday and all that... Until next week! Bye! And don't forget to review!


	6. Part 6 Sora

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** Oh, look, Square gave the characters to me for Christmas! ... NOT!!!

**Thanks to:** New reviewers! Yay! **Darkest Soul of Sadness, Iaveina, Queen Purple Lavender**, thank you very much for reviewing this story! And of course everyone else who reviewed, and of course everyone who put me on their alert list... AND of course my lovely Beta **Kuraieshi **(OMG, that piccie of eight-year-old Axel and seven-year-old Roxas was so cute! XD), AND of course my darling **kotilo **(Those pice were so awesome as well! I love chibi!Roxas bugging Riku so much... And YAY for the Christmas Smooch!)

Indeed, thank you all very much! And now... have fun!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 6 - Sora: **

Sigh.

They are fighting again.

I look up from my notes tiredly, rubbing my weary eyes. I sorta should read this chapter about the human muscular system for tomorrow, but those two troublemakers already kept me from studying the whole day …

Next week the final exams for Sports and Exercise Science will take place. Actually the first of these exams is taking place tomorrow. It's only a minor one, but still… I don't like failing classes. I already lost enough years travelling around other worlds and raising my siblings… Oh no, I don't wanna complain, I loved travelling and meeting all my friends out there… And of course I love the twins. It's just… I'm one of the oldest students in my class already. So yep, I really don't want to fail my exams.

"Give it back, Axel!" I hear my brother cry out angrily. "That's mine!"

"I don't see your name on it, Shorty," the other boy taunts. "Come and get it if you want it!"

I sigh again and rise to leave the books, following the loud voices to the living room. I lean against the doorframe, crossing my arms and watch the two boys running around the room. I really envy Namine. How she can keep drawing while staying in the same room as those two, is beyond me. As if her twin and the redhead weren't just tearing apart the living room. Really, that's a gift.

Oh yeah. Obviously Roxas stole one of my keychains again. He seems to believe they belong to him. Oathkeeper and Oblivion, I mean. I tried to hide them from him… I still change the location on a weekly basis, but he still manages to find them every time. And then Axel must've taken them from him again, like he always does.

"Which one is it this time?" I ask tiredly, pinching the bridge of my nose. I can already feel the headache looming behind my eyes like a thunderstorm... "Oathkeeper or Oblivion?"

The two boys stop screaming at once. Roxas stops dead in his tracks, staring at me wide-eyed, while Axel flops down onto the couch, throwing his legs over the backrest and examining something in his hand closely. Roxas glares at him, and the redhead just sticks his tongue out at him.

Roxas is seven years old now, Axel is eight. Most of the time they are inseparable, but sometimes Axel drives Roxas up the wall with all his teasing and joking. When Axel goes too far, Roxas tends to lock himself up in his room and stay there for hours. He once even spent two days in his room… really had all of us worried there. And he only came out because Axel freaked out, thinking Roxas had starved in his room because of him. Axel didn't want to leave Roxas' side for a whole week back then; it took quite some convincing on Riku's part to make him stay in his own class in school. He _did_ check on Roxas every break though. It seemed to annoy Roxas endlessly, but I think he secretly enjoyed it too. He loves it when Axel pays attention to him. He just doesn't want to admit it. Stubborn little guy.

Axel is pretty tall for his age, and even though he eats more than Roxas and Namine combined, he's frighteningly skinny. I know, he was already skinny back then, but now that he lacks the physique of a grown-up his frail seeming stature shows even more. Kairi allowed him to let his hair grow. He wears it in a ponytail most of the time now. Sometimes he vanishes for hours, exploring the islands… Sometimes he's gone so long he makes Roxas worry about him. But when Roxas is close to freaking out Axel returns and calms the smaller one down with only a hug and a few soothing words. Roxas is always mad at him afterwards. But they are still best friends.

Axel was able to spell and write all of our names when he was four. He's also one of the best students in his class. But he doesn't work too hard for school. Actually he's more interested in music right now, but his preferences tend to change on a monthly basis.

Roxas on the other hand is the more active of the two boys. He swims pretty long distances every morning, he has probably climbed every tree on this island already by now, he loves skateboarding, is on the school's soccer and swim team and other than that an average student. He's working hard for his grades, but he could do even better if Axel didn't keep him from learning all the time. He is a bit small for his age, just like I was when I was his age. Axel often makes fun out of hiding Roxas' things in places he can't reach because he's too short, like Riku did when we were as old as them.

Many people say Roxas looks just like me, apart from the hair color of course. There are other differences though. His eyes are just a shade darker than mine for example, but his skin is lighter. His smile is completely different, at least in my opinion. But both of us have the same, delicate build and roundish face (Those are Riku's words, not mine.), and if you compare my old photos with him, the similarities are really astounding.

Namine is still the sweet girl she was back then. She's very quiet, a good student and has an amazing artistic disposition. She is the one who has to calm the boys down most of the time. She even manages to persuade Axel into giving Roxas' things back. That's something usually only Riku seems to be capable of. She's also the one who makes the boys apologize to each other when they had a fight about stupid little things.

I don't know why they are fighting so much. Sometimes they are inseparable, next minute Roxas starts to cry because Axel teased him about being so small, next day they run off to explore another cave Axel found on the island together, and then Axel starts another fight by stealing Roxas' ice cream. Sometimes I wonder if it was always like this. None of the three children seems to remember their past lives. Only Roxas sometimes offers remarks, hinting that he remembers. And Riku told me Axel mentioned my name and Nobodies back in Radiant Garden. He didn't comment on that ever again since then though. Only Roxas seems to remember at least _something_. Things like his keyblades for example.

"I'm waiting," I add when none of the boys answer my question. "Which one did you take this time?"

"It's _mine_," Roxas sniffles stubbornly, trying to hold back tears of frustration. "Tell Axel to give it _back_!"

"But it's not Oathkeeper, and it's not Oblivion either," Axel chimes in oddly shy. "Which one is this?"

I step closer and take the keychain from him. Oh. Well. Why _this_ one?

"Bond of Flames," I reply quietly and glance at Roxas. "That one is definitely not yours, Roxas," I add, examining the miniature chakram dangling on the chain thoughtfully. "If anything, that one would belong to Axel."

"What, me?" Axel shouts and tries to snatch it from my hand again. I simply raise my hand and hold him down with the other.

"If all the keychains didn't belong to _me_," I add calmly. Axel crosses his arms and pouts up to me.

"It's mine!" Roxas suddenly yells, balling his hands into tight fists. "He wanted to give it to _me_!"

"Who?" I ask sharply. That's what I meant. Sometimes he acts like he remembers at least _something_ from his past life. Things he _can't_ know. He can't even explain _why_ he knows them, he just _does_.

Just like now. I watch him open his mouth, as if he wanted to try to answer, but no sound escapes him. He looks to the floor confused, staying quiet. And then he turns around and runs away.

"What's wrong now?" Axel asks confused. Namine immediately jumps up and follows her twin upstairs. I sigh for the umpteenth time today.

"Nothing," I reply, gently ruffling his spiky red hair. "I'll talk to him, don't worry. Shouldn't you be at home already? I'm sure Kairi's already waiting for you."

"Is Roxas mad at me?" Axel asks alarmed, grabbing my arm and looking up to me, bright, almond-shaped eyes wide and pleading. "He can't be mad at me! I didn't want to…"

"I know. It's not your fault," I try to comfort him, patting his head softly. Gee, it seems like he grew a few inches overnight again… "Don't worry, he's not mad at you. He's probably mad at me. You should go home."

"But…"

"Axel!" I raise a finger warningly. Not that I think he would actually listen to me…

"_But_…"

"He's right, Squirt," Riku suddenly exclaims from the door. Somehow he always manages to sneak up on me without making a sound. "You'll see him tomorrow. Kairi's probably worried sick already." He steps closer and kisses me fleetingly. "I'll bring him over, alright?"

I just smile at him and nod. I don't know how he does it, but somehow Axel seems to listen to him rather than to me or even Kairi. Not that he's difficult or anything. No, actually Axel is quite well-behaved; he's just… stubborn sometimes. Sometimes he's a bit quick-tempered too, especially about things involving Roxas. Sometimes he fights with other kids, but only to protect the twins, who often are bullied by older children. But even then Axel tries to avoid fighting more and more and tries to chase them away by words alone. Many children are intimidated by his startlingly mature arguments. He's a good boy, like Riku always tells him.

"Thank you," I answer quietly, and Riku smiles tiredly. He's coming home pretty late lately. Since he graduated (with flying colors, of course), he works in a research team at the local university. Something about the corruption of the human character by power. He has to work with Ansem's and Xehanort's old research a lot, and of course there's no one who knows those better than him.

Riku puts a hand on Axel's bony shoulder and leads the pouting boy outside. Axel keeps throwing nervous glances to the stairs though. Into the direction Roxas ran.

I throw the keychain into the air and catch it again, and again I look at the smaller version of the weapon Axel used back then. Strange. It's somehow understandable Roxas thinks Oathkeeper and Oblivion belong to him. I want to give them to him some time anyway, but he's still too young for that. But Bond of Flames? Seems like he _can_ remember their old friendship after all…

I knock on his door hesitatingly.

"No!" I almost immediately get the loud answer.

"Roxas?" I still ask. "Can I come in?"

"I said _no_!" he screams angrily. "Go away!"

But I open the door anyway, entering his room and closing the door behind me again. Roxas is sitting on his bed, Namine right next to him. He has cried, obviously. His eyes are red and puffy, and he keeps wiping his cheeks with both hands, sniffing all the time.

I stay silent. That works best when he's in this state. Roxas only accepts help when _he_ starts to talk about what's bugging him. If I would ask him what's wrong, he only would withdraw even further.

So I stay silent. For a while Roxas' quiet sniffling is the only sound in the room.

"Why did I say that?" he finally sobs. "I saw the keychain, and I… I just wanted… I _had_ to have it, and then…"

Still staying quiet I step closer, grapping a box of tissues from the dresser. I hand him one, and he blows his nose loudly.

How could I possibly tell a seven-year-old the keychain belonged to his best friend in his former life? His best friend who died for me, nonetheless? He wouldn't understand. But it gets more difficult every time. He doesn't remember, yet somehow he _does_. That Axel doesn't seem to remember anything isn't helping either.

"It's okay, Roku," I say softly and wrap my arms around his small, shaking frame. I accidentally let go of the keychain, and it falls onto the bed. Namine takes it and inspects it curiously.

"I… know that," she says slowly, grabbing her sketchbook and skimming through it. Roxas and I watch her wearily, and I can't help but feeling worse every moment.

"Here!" she finally exclaims, showing us a certain picture. That's what I dreaded. She also remembers without _remembering_.

The picture shows Oathkeeper and Oblivion, crossed above one of Axel's chakrams. The circular weapon seems to be burning, while Oathkeeper is bathed in light and Oblivion surrounded by dark shadows. Fire, light and shadow combine to create a strange pattern, and in the background two hands reach out for each other without touching the other one. It's drawn awfully realistic. I even notice the metallic brilliance of the keyblades and the chakram. The hands also seem almost life-like; one is very slender and clad in a black glove while the other one is a bit smaller, two fingerbands, a black and a white one, adorning the slim digits.

Roxas starts to cry, and Namine drops it startled.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Roku," she cries, grabbing his hand again. "Don't you like it? I'll throw it away…"

"No!" he interrupts her fiercely, but at the same time he clings tighter to me. "But… I…"

"Why are you crying, Roku?" I softly ask him again.

"I don't know," he whimpers pathetically, burying his small face in my jacket. "I can't remember! I… I don't know… I can't remember what his eyes looked like, Sora!"

Oh no… we already had this discussion once, didn't we?

"Green," I reply, my voice barely more than a whisper. "His eyes were green."

"He wanted to give me Bond of Flames," he sobs desperately. "But I didn't want it. I just left, and he… he… I can't remember him, but he was _important_ to me, and…"

He isn't able to form full sentences anymore, just stammers incoherent words between the heavy sobs wracking his small body. Namine starts to cry too, and I lay an arm around her and pull her closer as well. I hold them until they fall asleep, drained, sad and confused. I watch them sleeping restlessly. I wonder if they dream of their past lives. I wonder if they really forgot everything.

Even though Roxas seems to remember bits and pieces every now and then, and even though Namine shows first signs of remembrance too, scenes like this one are fairly unusual. Roxas has never been this distraught before. Most of the time he's just confused, or he just gets angry, but he forgets about it easily. If I ask him about it later, he just looks up to me with big, innocent eyes and insists that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I don't know if he really forgets or if he's just a brilliant actor. I hope he really forgets. Because if he doesn't it has to hurt him very much.

What should I do? What should I tell him? How should I explain to him this important person is already here, with him? How should I tell him this man Roxas tries to remember so desperately can't remember him either? What should I _do_?

* * *

I don't sleep at all this night. Sometime later Riku returns, looks into Roxas' room to check on us. I close my eyes, acting as if I fell asleep with the twins. I can hear the door closing again with a quiet click, opening my eyes to stare at the moon outside again. I continue to stroke Roxas' hair softly. He moves restlessly from time to time, like he's having a nightmare. 

Finally he falls into a deep, dreamless sleep. The new day is dawning already. I don't want to wake him and Namine, trying to get up as slowly and carefully as possible. Roxas and Namine immediately huddle up against each other, and I cover them with a blanket cautiously. I kiss their foreheads gently before I leave the room.

Riku's awake already. He never sleeps in, even though he only starts to work around ten every day. Again I find him in the kitchen, brooding over one of his research papers, a mug of coffee in his hand. He immediately looks up when I enter the room though.

"Hey," he says, and the small smile on his face seems forced and worried.

"I'm okay," I try to calm him down, getting a cup of coffee myself. I hate this bitter stuff, but today I really need it. "Roxas can stay at home today if he wants to."

"Okay." He looks at me over the rim of his mug. "What happened yesterday?"

"Roxas snatched one of my keychains again," I reply quietly.

"Oathkeeper or Oblivion?" he asks smiling.

"Bond of Flames," I answer and Riku frowns. "He… remembered Axel. But he doesn't know…" I let out a tired, cheerless laugh, pinching the bridge of my nose. "He said someone who was important to him wanted to give it to him, but he refused it. And he doesn't know this important someone has been here all of his life."

"It's strange," Riku muses. "Why can't Axel remember anything? Since he told me about the castles, he never mentioned the Nobodies at all…"

"Maybe he wants revenge because Roxas forgot about him back then," I reply sourly. Damn. I guess I can scratch that exam today.

"We should talk to them about it," Riku says softly. I shake my head tiredly.

"They're too young," I object, but this time it's Riku who shakes his head.

"You only think that because the twins are your siblings," he says softly, and I sigh deeply. "We have to tell them sometime."

"Sometime, yeah. But not as long as Roxas is the only one who's able to remember anything. It's not _fair_," I growl annoyed. Riku knows me well enough to leave the topic be. He rises and walks over to me, laying his arms around me and kissing my forehead softly. I lean on him, closing my eyes and breathing in his familiar scent, listening to the faint beating of his heart. There's nothing better to calm me down than this, and he knows that all too well.

"Let's hope Roxas forgets about it again then," he whispers into my hair, and I nod thoughtfully. Yes. Let's hope he forgets again…

… But deep down I wish he could remember. I wish they both could remember what they had so long ago. I hate myself for it. They have been through so much, Roxas and Axel, and nobody should have to remember the awful things that happened to them. It would hurt them so much to remember, but… still, I think they lost something important along with their memories. They lost the memories of a friendship, so strong and beautiful; they lost their memories of their feelings for each other. I wish they could remember, even though all the bad memories would come back as well. I feel ashamed for wishing something this cruel for them.

I start to cry, for Roxas, for Axel, for their lost memories, for their lost friendship, feeling worse about it with every tear I shed for them, and Riku holds me without questioning me about it.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** 'Have fun' I said... Heh, yeah, that wasn't really funny. XP 

Anyway. If you liked it - Please review! And if you didn't - Please review as well, but please be nice to meeeeeee... If you are, I'll post the next one before New Year's Eve (I will do that anyway. XP Don't want to do _anything _on my birthday after all... and _no_, I will _not _tell when _that _is.)

Bye! Have nice holidays, you guys!


	7. Part 7 Roxas

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** I still hope, but I really doubt I'll get the characters as a birthday present...

**Thanks to:** Everybody who reviewed, and everybody who already wished me a happy birthday... You really don't have to do that, actually I hate birthdays. But thank you anyway. And we have also have new reviewers: **Miharu-tenshi, strange'eagle **and **tesnoire**. Thank you too!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 7 - Roxas: **

Oooooh, this… motherfucking…

He's such a damned dickhead! _Dammit_!

There he is, flirting shamelessly with this girl from his class … with this… beautiful, curvy, long-legged blonde _goddess_ he's been going out with for about a month. I don't really know if they're having something like a 'relationship', and frankly I don't care. What was her _name_ again?

_Asshole_! Ditching me because of that _bimbo_!

_Fuck_, that just sounded so _gay_…

"You know… If looks could kill, a certain redhead's smoking remains would be dispersed all over the wall over there already," Namine tells me smirking, sipping on her milkshake.

"I'm _not_ jealous!" I reply fiercely, blushing when I realize what I just said.

"Never said you were," she claims smugly and nips on the milkshake again.

Damn, damn, damn, _damn_! What's _wrong_ with me? And why is everything so… _blurry_?

I blink once, feeling something warm and wet rolling down my cheeks. Oh, just great.

"Roku?" Namine gently grabs my arm. She sounds worried.

"I'm fine," I whisper and look down. Huh? When did I ball my hands into fists?

Namine's grip on my arm tightens, and I gently grasp her hand and pull it away. She knows what's wrong anyway. She's the only one who knows. Sometimes I think she knew it even before _I_ did.

"I don't feel well," I mumble and rise, grabbing my book bag and smiling at my twin sister. She smiles too, but she still looks worried and sad.

"I understand," she replies softly, and I think she's the only one who _does_. Apart from Sora. He would understand too if I told him. Aunt Kairi told me what happened between him and Uncle Riku, back when they were my age. Both of them would understand what I'm going through, if only I could _tell_ them…

"Go home. You should try to sleep a bit," Namine says compassionately and kisses my cheek.

I don't trust my voice anymore, so I just nod silently before grabbing my skateboard. I just want to leave and run up to the promenade when suddenly an arm is draped around my shoulders.

"Hey, Sweetie, where are you going?" he whispers into my ear, and I want to scream out of pure frustration. Why does he _do_ that? Why does he _always_ have to do that? Why does he have to be such an _asshole_ all the time?

"Leave me alone, Axel," I reply huskily, not daring to look at him. He would see the tears and would tease me about it. A wuss, he would call me. Or a crybaby, or some other immature insult like that. Or, _worse_, he would be _nice_ to me. He would act all _compassionate_ about it, and he would try to comfort me... He would get my _hopes_ up. He would make everything _worse_.

"I know, I know, I'm late," he laughs and tousles my hair, just like he always does. "Just had to finish something. But now I'm all there for you, Sweetheart. So, what are we learning today? Math, right?"

"Chemistry," I whisper barely audible. He even forgot _that_. He just nods and lets go of me again, sitting down next to Namine. I can't help it; I just _have_ to stare at him.

He's pretty tall for his sixteen years, and so thin I feel plump and even shorter than I already am when I'm around him, even though I do a lot of sports and inherited my mother's delicate build.

He's just skinny. But not skinny in a _bad_ way. He's not lanky or anything, not like other boys his age. He's just very lithe and slender, but it _suits_ him.

He wears his hair in a ponytail most of the time, but today he doesn't. I think that suits him too. He also wears make-up since a few months, at least around his eyes. He says that's because it looks better with his tattoos. I don't know why Aunt Kairi allowed him to do that, but a few months ago he got those strange, upside-down teardrop-tattoos on his cheeks. Uncle Riku had to take him to Radiant Garden for that. They have already healed again pretty well, and the dark tattoos contrast very sharply with his pale skin. He never gets a tan, regardless how often he's outside.

He smiles at Namine, and the tears return full force. His smile… it haunts me in my dreams. But he never smiles at _me_ like that. When he looks at me, it's always more of a smirk than a real smile. Because I'm just a _friend_.

He smiles at Namine like she's _his_ sister. He smiles at Sora like he's _his_ brother. When he looks at Kairi, his 'surrogate mom', he downright _beams_. And Riku, his 'surrogate dad', he simply _adores_.

I'm just his friend. I'm not worthy of one of his smiles. And still my heart starts beating faster every time I see him smile like this. Because his eyes shine even more than usual when he smiles, and when they do he reminds me of…

… of _him_.

"Chemistry, huh?" He grabs Namine's book. Namine smiles back at him, but then she throws me a worried look.

"Yes, but I think Roxas is not feeling well," she replies hesitantly. Axel raises a brow questioningly, then he looks at me. And then…

I lose myself in his eyes, like I always do. I examine the strange tattoos on his pale cheeks, like I always do. I marvel at the way he brushes his hair behind his ear gracefully, like I always do. And as always and always and always he reminds me of someone who _I simply can't remember_! He laughs, and I remember… _not quite_. He talks and I remember… _almost_. He smiles and I remember _he_ smiled at me like this… _even though it's not true_, because I _don't_ remember!

_He_ is important. _He_ was the most important person in my life, but I… I simply can't remember…

And now… now I… I…

I… I catch myself watching Axel more and more often lately. And I don't just watch him; I _study_ him, his every move, every smile, every frown. I watch how the sunlight makes his uniquely colored hair shine, and how he runs a hand through his spiky strands gracefully; I watch him chew on his pencil when he's studying, and I watch him play with one of his lighters when he thinks; I watch him singing to his music silently, and how his lips move when he does it…

I watch Axel, and I'm scared of forgetting _him_. It's stupid. It was Axel who made me remember _him_ in the first place, but for the last two years… I've kept thinking about Axel more and more, and less and less about the mysterious stranger who once represented my whole purpose in life… and whom I simply can't remember! It confuses me, and it hurts me, and I can't do anything to stop it! Nothing at all!

I'm falling for my best friend, and I'm about to forget someone who I was never able to remember in the first place. And it's _horrible_. I'm going through hell because of it, and it breaks my heart. My traitorous, accursed heart. If only I didn't have one!

"Roxas?"

And now he looks at me again, and he seems so worried that I want to _kill_ him. There it is. That damn look. He looks at me like… like he was worried about me. He looks at me as if he didn't ditch me because of every pretty girl crossing his way. He looks at me as if he… _like__s_ me.

"Roxas, Cutie! What's wrong?" he asks me, and I can feel a loud cry crawling up my throat. I hate it when he calls me those stupid nicknames. Because I love it when he does. Because it shows he cares for me at least a little bit. Because he drives me crazy. And because he always, _always_ gets my hopes up.

He stands up again and reaches out to me, and I have to clamp both my hands over my mouth to keep myself from screaming. He looks so _worried_… It makes me sick. I'm feeling dizzy, I'm feeling cold, and I want to scream until my throat bleeds.

I stare at him for a second, stare into his beautiful emerald eyes, and I can almost _hear_ my heart breaking. Then I whirl around and run away, up to the promenade, slapping my skateboard to the ground and jumping on it, racing away without listening to Axel who shouts out my name behind me.

It's a miracle I get home without crashing into anybody. Tears cloud my vision, but somehow I manage to dodge other people on the pavements. I leave my skateboard at the front door and bolt into the house, slamming the door shut behind me.

"Roxas?"

I whirl around and see Sora leaving the kitchen. Riku also looks around the corner, and I can smell food…

Oh, shit… They both took a day off today… Namine and I should stay at Aunt Kairi's… We… we wanted to go home with Axel today…

"Roxas?" Sora repeats and gently grabs my shoulder. He's thirty-two now, but he still looks no older than twenty-five. But there still are many people who believe he's my father rather than my brother. Everybody keeps telling me I look just like him. And despite the age difference he's my best friend… apart from… Axel…

"I-I'm sorry, I…" I stutter, shying away from him, fumbling for the door. "I didn't want… I… I'm sorry, I'm out of here, I didn't want to interrupt… I… Oh Sora, I'm so sorry…"

"Hey… it's okay," Sora tries to calm me down, but I can't really hear him.

"No, I didn't want to…" I try to apologize again, but this time he silences me by laying a hand over my mouth.

"It's okay," he repeats softly. "It's okay, Roku. What's wrong?"

I look up to him, and there's nothing but sympathy in his deep blue eyes. I want to apologize again, but the words are simply gone.

I look over his shoulder, and Uncle Riku looks at me just the same way. Just as understanding. There's not even the slightest trace of anger in his gaze.

How can they stay so _calm_? I messed up their day off!

My eyes travel from one to the other, and when Sora says my name again so gently I break down crying. Sora catches me and holds me while I cling to him weakly, sobbing loudly. My eyes burn, and I can't breathe properly, but my bleeding heart is what hurts most.

After a while Sora lifts me up and carries me upstairs. Riku follows us silently, opening the door to my room for us. Sora carries me over to the bed, sitting next to me and not letting go. Riku settles down next to me as well. They both stay with me while I cry my eyes out, and they don't say a word, never ask for the reason. They are still there when I fall asleep, exhausted and drained.

* * *

They are gone when I wake up again. Somebody covered me with a blanket, and I spot a glass of water and a plate of my favorite cookies on my nightstand. Despite my head hurting like it has been split in half I have to smile. I know they meant well, but right now I couldn't force down anything eatable… 

I sit up and close my eyes for a second, groaning softly when the movement causes my headache to reach new heights. I can't have slept for long; the last rays of sunlight paint my room a bright orange. The sun also colors the sea the color of flames, red and orange and golden, and for a moment I want to cry again. I hate sunsets. I don't know why, because I think they are beautiful… no, _gorgeous_, but I can't watch a sunset without starting to cry. This time I hold the tears back though. I've cried enough for today, thank you very much.

Grah, my _head_…

I grab the glass of water tiredly and gulp it down in one go. Which does _not_ help lessen my raging headache.

I walk over to the door on wobbly feet, rubbing my eyes and yawning… but I freeze when I open it, noticing voices drifting up the stairs from the living room.

"And why can't I see him?" A bit angry, very confused, a bit pleading. Axel.

"Because you really messed up today, you idiot!" Unusually angry, but still holding back. Namine.

"What did I do? I didn't say anything the whole day that…" More confusion, less anger.

"That's the point!" More anger, less holding back. "You ignored him the whole day! You wanted to have lunch with him, and after school we wanted to learn, and you just _ditched_ him! Like you did all of last month for that matter! Since you're going out with Jessie…"

"Wowowow, slow down!" Again a bit angrier. "I'm not going out with her anymore. That was only a fling, barely lasted two days…"

"So? Why do you keep hanging out with her then?"

"I'm just _nice_ to her! We're just friends…"

"Roxas isn't your friend then?"

"What? He's my _best_ fr-"

"Then why do you spend more time with _her_ than with _him_?"

"I don't-"

"Yes you do! That's _exactly_ what you do! What about last Saturday, when you wanted to meet Roxas at the skate park and you didn't show up? What about two days ago when we were having dinner at this new restaurant and you were off as soon as Jessie and her friends showed up there? Or what about yesterday, when you called Roxas ten minutes after the movie had started because you had to study with Jessie? He had to watch the movie all alone! Had I known you planned to stand him up like that I would've gone with him…"

"Wait a sec, I called him ten minutes _before_ the movie started, and he told me he didn't mind!"

"Of course he did, because he's not a total _jackass_ like you!"

"That's enough, Namine," Sora interrupts her calmly. "Leave him alone."

"_No_! He hurts Roxas…"

"But I never wanted to…" Axel tries to speak up, but again Namine interrupts him angrily.

"Why do you _do_ that?" she screams. "What did he _do_? Do you want to take _revenge_ for something he did? _Why do you hurt him so_?"

"What the fuck are you _talking_ about?" Axel shouts, clearly upset. Can't blame him. Namine is scary when she yells like that. I've never heard her raise her voice like this…

"Namine, go to your room," Sora steps in again. His voice still sounds calm, but there's a sharp undertone to it now…

"But…" Namine tries to object again.

"_Now_!" This one word is sharp like the crack of a whip. I've never heard Sora talk like that. He sounds so serious, that doesn't fit my calm, cheerful brother at all…

Namine seems to notice that too. She falls silent, and I can clearly picture her looking at Sora surprised. Then I can hear steps coming upstairs, and a second later Namine rushes past me, wiping her cheeks and eyes with both hands. She doesn't even see me, just runs past me and into her own room, slamming the door shut behind her.

That's… That's my entire fault, isn't it? It's my fault… I made my sister cry…

I consider following her for a moment, but I'm drawn to the stairs instead. I sit down on the first step, looking through the railing and down into the living room.

Of course the first thing I see is red hair. Axel is sitting on the couch, holding his head with both hands. He looks pretty down, his lean shoulders sagged and his hands trembling slightly. A small, almost non-existent, vengeful part of me savors the sight of him feeling sad and guilty. But the better part of me yearns to run down and tell him everything is okay, even if it's a lie. The better part of me wants to hug him and comfort him. It's always like this. I always smile for him and apologize, even if it kills me to act so happy and cheerful for him. I'm so scared, I'm always so scared of hurting him. I couldn't live if I did anything to hurt him. -_I've hurt him so much already…- _But now…

Everything Namine said is true. He stood me up all week because of this girl. And it hurts. And now Sora yelled at Namine because of him, and that's even worse. Sora does not yell, just as Namine never raises her voice. Today they both did, and it's entirely _my fault_. Because I fell in love, with a man nonetheless, and on top of that it's a man who will never love me back the same way. My brother and my sister are angry because I failed to keep my feelings in check.

It has to stop.

Sora paces back and forth, his expression unusually serious. Riku and Kairi are sitting across from Axel, their eyes travelling from Sora to Axel and back.

"Did… did I really…" Axel finally mutters slowly, but he is interrupted immediately.

"Did you hurt Roxas?" Sora hisses, and Axel winces at his tone, looking up to him. Even up here I can see that his bright eyes are glossy and his make-up is smudged around his eyes.

"You _bet_ you did," Sora continues without looking at him. "You _ignored_ him most of last week, what did you expect? That he doesn't care?"

"But… But he never _said_ anything," Axel protests weakly, and he sounds even more unsure than before.

"Of course he didn't," Sora growls, still refusing to look up and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"He's related to Sora after all," Riku adds quietly. Axel's head whips around, his green eyes wide. My heart clenches almost painfully as I watch a lone tear leaving a dark trail of make-up on his pale skin.

"Do you think that's _funny_?" he asks and wipes his eyes with one hand. "How can you _joke_ about that _now_? Roxas is mad at me, and you guys won't let me talk to him…"

"Stop it, all of you," Kairi speaks up, and the three guys immediately fall silent, averting their gazes ashamed. "We should talk about it tomorrow."

"But…" Axel tries to object, but a single, irate glare silences him again. Wow. I never knew Aunt Kairi could glare like that…

"Especially _you_ should stay away from him!" Kairi says distantly, shaking her head when he tries to say something again. "He is very upset. You are upset too, obviously… Sora is worried about him and Namine, and when Sora is worried, Riku is worried too. And I'm worried about _you_, Aku. You should really leave him be… Give him some time, hm? Give _yourself_ some time. Think about what Namine said. Everything's gonna be fine tomorrow, you'll see."

"But…" Axel whispers again, his voice sounding oddly choked. "But I…" He isn't able to hold back a quiet sob, and instantly Sora's and Riku's gazes soften. Kairi sits down next to Axel, hugging him gently. "I… I don't want him to… to be mad at me," he sobs desperately, hiding his face in his hands once again. "I know… I know I messed it up, but I… I can't stand… I c-can't stand him b-being mad at me… I c-can't stand h-him looking at m-me like this _again_…"

Oh… No, I don't… I never wanted him to be miserable because of me… I can't stand the thought of him feeling sad because of me…

"I'm not…" I can hear somebody say, and when everyone suddenly looks up at me, I realize it must've been me who said it. That's alright. I will lie again then. I would do everything to make him feel better. I can't stand seeing him sad. "I'm not mad," I finish lamely, smiling even though I don't feel like it at all right now. I can't even look at him anymore. The way he stares at me… Make-up smudged around his reddened eyes, unhealthily pale, trembling and still sniffing every now and then… And still he somehow manages to make my heart beat faster…

"I'm not mad at you, Axel," I whisper again, slowly rising from my seat on top of the stairs. "I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?" I turn around without waiting for an answer, walking away. I should stop trying. I won't ever be more than his friend. And as a friend I should try to be there for him, not follow him around like a lost puppy all the time. I can do that. So what if he keeps seeing Jessie? I have other friends than him. Yes. I should… let… him… go…

I should check on Namine. Guess she's not feeling well now.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I know, I know, I'm evil, yadda yadda... but don't worry, the next chapter will be coming soon... Although I have to announce **I started writing on Perfect Match again!!** But I only have to translate four chapters of this one still, and I want to post this story completely before I update my other fic... Mainly because I fear I could forget about updating this one if I concentrated on Perfect Match too much. I hope you don't mind... 

Maybe downloading an emulator for GameBoy Advance to play Chain of Memories again wasn't a good idea...

Anyway! Review! Pwetty pwease? And **Happy New Year** everyone!


	8. Part 8 Axel

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** Yeah well, SquareEnix decided to give Kingdom Hearts to me, but I refused it. All those crazy fans who would bug me about it... No, really, it's better this way.

**Thanks to:** All my muses, once again. I just realized I didn't really mention them in the last chapters. **Kuraieshi**, for betaing and drawing and OH MY GOD, if you ever cared about AkuRoku you HAVE to go and see the pic she drew for me as a b-day present! The link should already be in my profile, and it's hawt! Wow! **kotilo** for also drawing a birrthday pic for me, and WTF stop saying you can't draw dammit! It's gorgeous! Part 2 Roxas anime-style so rocks! And last but not least **Riku-Stalker**, also for the b-day present. And yes, it _was_ my birthday, so no worries. But you take your time with the pic, the 'substitute' you sent me is totally enough for me! Thank you so much!

You three are so awesome, thank you so much! But all three of you, stop criticizing your art all the time! If I see the words 'crap', 'sorry' or 'not as good as' in association with the pics you draw for me once more, I'll... love you just as much, but I'll be really, really annoyed!

Other than that, of course I'd also like to thank all my reviewers, also **BokuraNoLoveStyle **and **VampiricDesires**, who rewiewed last chapter for the first time. Thank you!

Wow. This is getting long. Enough, now read and enjoy!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 8 - Axel: **

What's _wrong_ with me?

I feel horrible. I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm tired, my head hurts. And Roxas isn't here.

Yeah, I need my Roxy-bear to make me feel better.

God, I'm such a _pansy_!

This is _horrible_! I fucked up so bad this time… Everything Namine said yesterday was true. I ignored Roxas all of the last weeks, and I really should apologize… Fuck, I _want_ to apologize, but… That's _it_, he isn't here!

You see my problem?

"Hey Ax!" someone behind me chirps, and I throw an irritated look over my shoulder.

Speaking of problems…

"Hey, Jessie," I still reply and smile at her. God, isn't my name short enough as it is? Does she have to shorten it even more? That's so annoying… "What's up?"

She beams at me and throws her long, golden hair back. _-Wrong color…- _Why do I meet with her again? We were only 'together' for what? Two days? And even then it was like… like I would _cheat_ on someone…

It wasn't serious. That's my point. She just doesn't want to see that somehow…

"You waiting for someone?" she asks and sits down right next to me. Way _too close_.

You acquainted with the wonders of proper grammar? I _hate_ it when people talk like that. Which is strange, because I tend to do that myself a lot…

"Yes," I answer tersely, looking away, once again searching the crowd for another blond kid. Until I feel… a hand… on my knee…? What the…

"You know, I could… keep you company," Jessie purrs, smiling at me when I frown at her annoyed. What the fuck?

"What are you doing, Jessie?" I ask her angrily. She just giggles, and the hand on my leg wanders… higher, until I grab it and pull it away. "_Stop_ that!"

"What?" she pouts. Oh, _now_ she's acting all innocent, huh?

"Stop hitting on me!" I yell and push her away rather roughly. Fuck. This is so _not_ what I need right now! She stares at me strangely, like many other people around us. Tse. Let them stare, it's not like I _care_ about that…

"What?" she asks again, still pouting. "What's wrong with you? I thought we were…"

"_We_ are nothing," I reply darkly. "This stops, and it stops _now_. Got it _memorized_?"

"Oooh, _now_ you act as if this is annoying you?" she hisses, but the frown on her pretty face quickly changes into this sickeningly sweet smile of hers. And again she leans forward, trying to grab my arm again. "C'mon, Ax, you have to feel it too… There's something between us…"

… and that's too little space! Dammit! I would prefer this 'something' to be the ocean, or at least a wall or a rift or…

_Personal space!_ Ever heard of it, you stupid, annoying, blonde _bimbo_?

I catch her hand and hold her wrist a little too tight, staring into her eyes. "There is _nothing_ between us, Jessie," I tell her calmly. "There was _something_ between us for two days, and I'm not even sure _what_ this 'something' was. But it's over, and you're sadly mistaken if you think anything like it would ever happen again! I don't even know why I still try to be nice to you. We're not even friends! We will not see each other again, got it?"

"It's because of that bitch, isn't it?" she whispers stunned. "Because of that weird, blond hussy who follows you around with her brother all the time…"

"Okay, first off: If you ever talk about Nami like that again, I will break your perfect little nose! And second: That's _ridiculous_," I reply icily, letting go of her wrist and scooting away from her. "You're crazy."

"It's true!" she screeches, skidding closer to me again. I stand up and grab my book bag, throwing it over my shoulder while I stare down at her. "You were staring at her all the time!"

"Ridiculous," I repeat, smirking at her spitefully.

"No, you _did_! You always stared at her and her brother, you never even paid attention to me when they were nearby!" she insists stubbornly, jumping up herself.

"Bullshit," I start again, but then I trail off. The grin on my face feels so wrong all of sudden…

No, I didn't look at _her_. I… I always looked at _him_. Roxas. Not Namine, _Roxas_. I was staring at Roxas all the time…

But… But how could I not see how hurt he was by my _stupidity_? How could I not see that? Why did I… God, why am I so _stupid_?

_Why_ did I stand him up all the time? Because of that brat who's just trying to touch me _again_? Dammit!

"Stop that!" I hiss again, and she flinches, tears in her big eyes. I don't care. Her tears don't affect me the slightest. _His_ tears were so much worse… the dried trails of tears on his unusually pale face, his reddened eyes, his sagged shoulders when he was sitting on top of the stairs yesterday, smiling at me so sadly… His smile… his smile was so _wrong_, so… _cold_…

Jessie says something again, but I can't hear her properly. I just turn around and walk away, ignoring her screaming my name as well as all the people staring at us. The only thing I can think of is Roxas, and the way he looked at me with his big, unbelievably blue eyes and his heartbroken smile… Damn. Maybe I fucked up even worse than I thought…

"Hey, Axel," someone behind me says, and I can't help but wince slightly.

Oh, _fuck_.

"Hey," I reply meekly and turn around to smile at Namine, who returns the smile rather nervously.

Wait a sec. Roxas isn't with her? But… he's _always_ with her…

"I wanted to apologize, for yelling at you yesterday," she says quietly, looking down to the ground. "I didn't mean to yell at you like I did."

"Oh, that's okay," I reply grinning, still searching the crowd for her twin. "I guess I deserved that."

"Roxas isn't here," she whispers, smiling sadly when I look at her confused. "He said he's sorry, but he had something else planned for today."

What?

Roxas has never turned down a chance to spend time with me before! What, does he want to take revenge for me neglecting him lately? _-That's not fair, it was him who…-_

What? No! Roxas didn't do anything wrong…

_-He left me! He didn't even look back when he left!-_

But… but he's my best friend…

_-He betrayed me! He betrayed the Organization!-_

Organization?

What the fuck?

I shake my head, staring at Namine again. It's hard to concentrate on her, but somehow I manage to do it, despite all those weird thoughts buzzing around in my head.

"How… How is he?" I ask her, cursing my voice for sounding so shaky and lost. I hide my trembling fists in the pockets of my coat so Nami can't see them.

She doesn't answer right away, and my heartbeat slows down all of sudden. She doesn't even dare to look at me.

"Not very well, I'm afraid," she answers hesitantly. "He tries to hide it, but… I think he's feeling bad. I think he's… hurt."

Because of me. All because of me.

_-He hurt me too!-_

What? No, he didn't!

"A-And where… where is he?" I somehow manage to utter. My voice doesn't sound like it belongs to me anymore… It's shaky and weak and sounds too high-pitched all of sudden. Namine looks at me sadly, and she raises a hand to wipe my cheek. Only now I notice the wetness, and only now I notice everything has grown rather… blurry. "I have… I have to apologize. W-Where is h-he?"

"He doesn't want to see you, Axel," Namine says softly, not even flinching when I grab her hand rather roughly.

"Where is he?" I yell again, not at all caring about the distinct quiver in my voice. "I _have_ to apologize! _Where is he_?"

"He does _not_ want to see you!" she repeats a bit louder, frowning at me. "You have to give him some time! He said you'd meet Jessie anyway, so he could do something else…"

"But I didn't…" Oh, crap, I _did_! Fuck, why does Roxas _always_ have to be right? "I didn't mean to," I splutter, trying to defend myself nonetheless. "It was her fault! I didn't want… Nami, I…"

"I know," Namine interrupts me gently, surprising me with a soft smile. "I saw everything. She followed you around all day, but you never noticed. And I saw you rejecting her. Still…" She sighs and shakes her head. "Good thing Roxas didn't see you two. It would've broken his heart."

"Where is he, Nami?" I whisper pleadingly once again, but she just shakes her head.

"I wish I knew," she answers sadly. "He went with a few of his friends, right after school. He didn't want to tell me where they were going. I don't know, maybe he's even at home already… But he…"

"I _know_ he doesn't want to see me, but I _have_ to," I whisper, my traitorous voice breaking in the end. Suddenly I feel cold. Why is it so _cold_? It's never cold on Destiny Islands, but still I can feel a shiver running down my spine…

Namine nods and smiles at me again, then she hugs me briefly.

"Go, look for him," she whispers into my ear. "You always were the only one who managed to find him." She presses a chaste kiss to my cheek, then she lets go of me again. And I turn around and run as fast as I can.

* * *

I don't even know how I got there, but suddenly I'm standing in the garden of Roxas' house, breathless and ruffled and still feeling like I'm _freezing_ inwardly. No, Sora's and Riku's house, since Sora's and Roxas' parents moved to Radiant Garden. I don't bother to knock, ripping the door open and making a dash for the stairs. I ignore Riku, who looks up from his book surprised, and rush up the stairs. The door to his room is opened slightly. 

He's not here. He's not _here_, dammit! Fuck! _Fuck_!

But still I'm drawn to this room which I know better than my own. My hand is trembling badly as I shove the door open. The room is empty, a bit messy, though not nearly as bad as mine. I know I should go, should look for Roxas elsewhere, but something tells me to stay. My gaze gets caught at the desk, which looks messier than the rest of the room. My feet move of their own accord, carrying me over to the desk. Then my hands move, grabbing the halves of a torn drawing and put them together…

It must've been Namine who drew it. But the motive confuses me. There are two strangely shaped keys, crossed over something that looks like a spiky wheel, a wild mixture of fire, light and shadow enveloping the weird items

_-weapons-_

and in the background two hands reach out for each other in vain…

_-My hand… and his hand… __His hand…-_

This is ridiculous… It's only a drawing, and it seems pretty old too… It's crumpled around the edges, faded and smudged in some places, like… like some liquid dropped onto it… But still, the longer I study the picture, the more the chilly feeling inside me grows. So cold…

"Axel?"

I turn around and stare at Riku, the drawing sliding from my numb fingers.

"Where is he?" I whisper, and Riku seems distressed all of sudden.

"Not here," he answers quietly, brushing his silvery hair out of his face. He hasn't aged at all since I know him. Since he… rescued me from my 'parents', back in Radiant Garden. He should've left me there… He should've left me to _die_, so I could never, never hurt Roxas!

"I'm not blind, I _know_ he's not here!" I hiss, crossing the room with two steps. Riku doesn't even attempt to defend himself when I grab his collar. "Where _is_ he?"

"Not _here_," he repeats calmly, his aquamarine eyes colder than before. "Don't make such a fuss. You'll see him tomorrow."

"I have to see him _now_!" I yell, but he stays so provokingly calm.

"Calm down," he says, grabbing my hands and pulling them away almost effortlessly. Fuck, how can he still be so much stronger than me? Does he still work out or what? "If you face him like this you won't achieve anything."

"But…"

"Hey, what's up?" Sora suddenly chimes in, coming up the stairs. His hair is wet, and a towel is slung around his shoulders. He smiles when he notices me, but the smile fades again rather quickly. "Axel… did you… did you _cry_? Your eyes…"

"Where is Roxas?" I roar furiously, tearing myself away from Riku. "And don't tell me he doesn't want to see me! I _have_ to talk to him!"

"Of course you do," Sora mumbles, looking away. "But not right now. He's with some of his friends…"

"I don't care!" I hiss, but when Sora looks at me again, his usually so warm and caring eyes are cold. Suddenly fear is almost choking me.

"I know you don't care," he whispered, and even his voice is suddenly as cold as ice. "You never cared about anything else but Roxas. You went through fire for him…" He laughs, a strange, mirthless sound that doesn't suit him at all. "_Literally_!"

What?

For a moment I can only stare at him confused, then I turn around, balling my hands into tight fists frustrated and tired, oh so tired... Fresh tears well up in my eyes.

They don't want to help me. Fine! I'll find him on my own. The island may be pretty big, but I'll find him!

I make a dash for the door without a warning, ripping my arm away from Sora when he tries to hold me back. I rush down the stairs, out of the door. I'll find him. I always did.

Far, endlessly far away I can hear Riku and Sora scream my name, but I don't care about that right now. I run down to the beach, alongside the promenade, searching the crowd for tousled blond spikes and eyes of the color of the sea. Many of the people there stare at me. Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me right now is Roxas. I have to apologize. -_I can'__t lose him__… I just found him, I can't lose him again…-_

And then I see him, and the cold feeling that haunted me the whole day changes into unbearable heat. I see him, and a fire hotter than lava starts to burn deep down inside me.

He sits right in front of the small café next to the skate park, beaming even brighter than the sun, seemingly content and relaxed. He smiles, and I've never seen anything so beautiful… His eyes seem brighter than usual, and his pouty lips are curled up in a soft smile… I haven't seen him smile like this for a long time… His golden hair is ruffled, even more so than usual, he wears simple jeans and a plain white sweatshirt with black and white striped sleeves and hood. Seems like he and his friends just came out of the skate park. He's surrounded by boys and girls who I don't know, talking, laughing, joking, fooling around… He seems… _happy_. He seems happier than usual. Happier than he is when he's with me.

And he's holding hands with a pretty brunette. The girl keeps looking at him adoringly, hiding stupid giggles in her hand every time Roxas says anything. He doesn't look at her, but _he's holding her hand_. Secretly, und the table, so nobody can see it. But _I_ do. _I_ see it, and it makes me want to rip her hand off him…

No.

_No_!

_I_ am his best friend! He should be happy like this when he's with me! Why did he never laugh like that when he was with me?

Am I not good enough to deserve one of his smiles?

_-There was a time when I was the only one he smiled for…-_

How can he choose those brats over _me_?

_-Hayner! Pence! Olette!-_

How can he do this to me _again_?

_-He should have called out for me!-_

The urge to scream grows until it's almost unbearable, hot fury spreading inside me. It smothers every rational thought, kills every last trace of self control I ever possessed. _How can he betray me like this again_?

I _can't_ lose him again! I _need_ him! Without him everything I did was in vain. -_I only came back for him. I only came back to see him again, to see his smile… He can't leave me behind because of some brats he doesn't really know again! I am his friend! I am the only one who understands…-_

Then he stops laughing, abruptly keeping my mind from forming even a single coherent thought. The only thing I can think of is his name… and one single sentence, five words coming from his mouth which destroyed me once…

_-No one would miss me.-_

He sits up, looking around confused. His gorgeous eyes widen, almost frightened, when they finally come to rest on me. More memories surface from the deepest depths of my mind, stabbing my heart like shards of glass.

_-We__'re… best friends__, right?-_

Even the last trace of a smile vanishes from his face and makes place for an empty, sad, a bit upset expression.

_-Fine! You asked for it!-_

His lips form my name.

_-Axel?-_

The world is tuned out by the uproar of my fire.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Eh... sorry for the cliffhanger. If you are confused, the thoughts in _-thought- _are more like memories surfacing. I know that is a bit confusing, but well, it _has _to be confusing to remember without actually remembering anything... 

I know this sounds stupid, stop grinning!

Well... what else... Oh yes! Again, take a look at my profile for the pic **Kuraieshi** drew for me! You won't regret it! Cheerioooooo


	9. Part 9 to 30 Roxas, Sora, Riku, Axel

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** No! Whatever would make anybody think I owned Kingdom Hearts? Pfsh!

**Thanks to:** Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall my muses (you know who you are ;P) and reviewers... Also the new ones: **manic the hedgehog, Razer Athane **and **The Forbidden Fox**.

Yep, this time I will keep it this short. Because you all know I love you anyway. Hehe.

Well, one last thing: The girl holding Roxas' hand is _not_ Olette. Think of it, she would be as old as Sora now. Which would be about seventeen years older than Roxas. And that would be... ehm... more than weird.

But now, enjoy!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 9 - Roxas: **

That's just what I needed. One day without _him_. Only one day without constant thinking of him or my hopeless feelings. One day of just having fun, skateboarding and eating ice cream with a few of my friends…

But it's a bit… weird. I feel… guilty somehow. I could've told Axel at least, so he wouldn't have to worry about me…

No. He'll understand. I just can't see him today.

But it _really_ feels _weird_! It's so easy to smile here, with all those people I barely know… When I'm with him I almost feel too _ashamed_ to laugh. Especially since I realized my feelings for him changed from friendship to… something else, it seems to be harder to smile when he's around. Here, with these strangers it's easy.

Heh! Who am I trying to fool? I know _exactly_ why I can laugh here but not with him. It's because this _means nothing_. These people here mean nothing to me. When I laugh here it's not _me_ they see. It's just what I _want_ them to see, a person I am not… But Axel knows who I am. He sees the _real_ me. So if I laughed when I was with him it would mean _everything_. And I feel guilty when I'm with him, because I want to force my feelings on him even though I know he will never feel the same…

Fuck, when did things get so _complicated_? My head hurts already, my thoughts barely make sense anymore… Why do I even think of him now? I came here to forget about all this shit for once! Sometimes I think I do it on purpose. Think of him to make myself feel like shit, I mean. Sometimes I think I don't _want_ to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the _right_ to be happy… like I have to pay for a horrible mistake I once made. That's bullshit, I know. Hey, I'm fifteen, which kind of terrible crime could I have committed? Still…

Indeed, when did things get so complicated? Two years ago everything was wonderful. My life was perfect… Yeah, okay, I barely see my parents, but I have Sora and Namine, and Kairi and Riku who all care about me. And two years ago Axel was the best friend I could ever have wished for… True, he's sometimes pretty annoying, but I knew I could count on him, and I always knew he loved me. And I loved him, in an equally platonic, brotherly way. And then things changed. Got _complicated_.

And then there was this scene yesterday. Ha. Yesterday, after I told Axel I wasn't mad at him, everything seemed so clear to me… I should let him go, I thought. I should stop clinging to him like a five-year-old, I thought. He'd be better off without me, I thought. As if I really _could_ let him go. As if I had the strength to move on. _Ridiculous_!

I can never let him go. -_Not now. I just found him…-_

But still I try to do just that the whole day already. I try to let him go. I try not to care about him spending his time with people other than me. I try not to think about him smiling at people who will never love him like I do. I try not to _feel_. _I try to let go._

I didn't even resist when Keira started flirting with me, and to tell the truth I'm pretty proud of myself because of that. And now she's holding my hand, and even though it feels so _wrong_ I _let_ her. And I laugh with her and all the others, and I enjoy it and feel terrible about it.

And then I feel something. A… strange… burning sensation grazing my skin. I've never felt anything like it before, but still it feels so familiar it makes my eyes burn and my heart clench painfully.

_-It felt like this when he looked at me.-_

I look up, and something red catches my gaze… A bright, vibrant red, like a sunset.

Axel is staring at me, his almond shaped eyes wide and hurt, his gaze trained on my hand holding Keira's, his lithe body tense. His make-up is smudged, his cheeks flushed slightly, and his breathing is uneven and frantic. Other than that he's not moving. All around him cheerful people stroll down the promenade, laughing and joking and chatting. He looks so out of place amidst all those happy people in their colorful clothes, his dark red and black attire making him stand out -_like a Nobody amongst Heartless…-_

… what?

"Axel…" I hear myself whisper hoarsely, and I don't dare to move when suddenly red and white flames explode all around him.

All around me people scream, all around him they run away in panic. Keira lets go of my hand and jumps up, runs away with the others. Somebody grabs my shoulder and tries to pull me away, but my hands hold onto the table tightly. They let go of me again and run away too, leaving me behind alone. I can't move. People scream, children cry, and I'm so fucking scared like I've never been before, but I can't _move_.

Flames seem to erupt right from the ground under his feet, from of his halfway raised hands. The fire wind around his slender frame almost snake-like. And his eyes, his beautiful eyes, those bright, emerald colored, wonderful eyes, even _they_ seem to burn…

I watch him raise a hand mesmerized. Slender fingers move gracefully, form a perfect sphere made of pure fire, which floats right above his palm. The fire is gorgeous. I almost forgot how gorgeous it really is. Red and orange and yellow; it contrasts with its creator's pale skin and green eyes beautifully.

I feel a smile stretch my lips slightly, despite the imminent danger I seem to be in right now. Even though he'll probably throw this fireball any second, even though I might die soon, for the first time in a long time I dare to feel happy.

He found me. How could I ever doubt him? He always found me.

My friend, my partner, my lover. Organization XIII's No. 8, Flurry of Dancing Flames. Axel.

I close my eyes the exact moment he raises his hand, ready to throw the fireball. Such a hothead. He always had a hard time keeping his temper in check when he was around me.

And I wait… and wait… and can't hear anything but the fast pounding of my hurting heart. But I _feel_…

There is no heat. Where is the fire, the heat, the pain?

I open my eyes again, and I watch uncle Riku raising a strangely shaped weapon

_-Way to t__he Dawn-_

and right in front of him is something that looks like some kind of shield

_-Dark Shield-_

made out of hexagonally shaped elements. Flames flicker around the elements, finally dying down. Then the shield vanishes again. Uncle Riku throws something at me.

And finally I'm able to hear again, and immediately I wish I wasn't. Because even over the raging flames I can hear a cry, so full of sadness and pain and despair it breaks my heart over and over and over again.

* * *

**Part 10 – Sora:**

Roxas doesn't even move. Axel is going to throw the fireball any second now…

Fuck, why doesn't he _run away_?

"Roxas!" I yell as loud as I can, but he closes his eyes. Why the hell does he _close_ his eyes?

I pull two keychains out of my pocket. I wanted to give them Roxas anyway, and now seems like a good moment to do just that…

"Riku," I call out and throw the keychains. He catches them with one hand, the other one already occupied by Way to the Dawn. He points at himself, then at Roxas.

He'll take care of Roxas. That leaves me to occupy Axel. I nod and call my Ultima Keyblade.

* * *

**Part 11 – Riku:**

Thank Kingdom Hearts we followed Axel…

Who would have thought he is still able to do those fire tricks?

I tighten my grip around Sora's keychains and Way to the Dawn. Let's hope I haven't forgotten my own tricks yet then…

It's hard to remember the Darkness after such a long time living without it. But I know the Darkness never left me. It is a part of me; a part I probably will never get rid of. It's hard, but I remember what it felt like to use the power of Darkness all too well. Somehow I manage to call a Dark Shield just before the surprisingly powerful fireball hits us.

* * *

**Part 12 – Axel:**

What are they doing here?

Riku is standing in front of Roxas now, his weapon raised, ready for battle, grim determination in his cold eyes. And then Sora attacks me, and I have to dodge his fast blows. The fire around me dies down, but the fire inside me burns hotter than ever. Oh, how good it feels, to feel this warmth again…

My eyes are drawn to Roxas again. He's staring at Riku, who just chucks something at him.

Roxas. My Roxas. Why did you leave me behind again?

A loud cry crawls up my throat, and I'm too upset to hold it back. At the same time the cry bursts from my mouth new flames erupt around me, even hotter than before. Only this can soothe the pain I'm feeling…

* * *

**Part 13 – Roxas:**

There is the fire again, and I can see my brother retreat a few steps. The flames follow every move Axel makes. He doesn't stop crying.

My hands tighten around the keychains.

Uncle Riku moves, hastily creating another one of those shields to protect Sora from a new fireball. Sora raises a hand himself.

"Blizzaga!" he shouts, making a circling motion with his hand. A barrier of clear ice forms around the fiery demon, Axel, but instantly starts to melt again. Axel throws more fireballs, and it vanishes in a cloud of smoke.

Then he spreads his arms, flames dancing over his body, his slender limbs, and shadows start to dart around his fingers. They form circular shapes made out of fire and smoke, quickly solidifying to create weapons I know all too well.

Axel looks up again, his delicately chiseled features deformed by the pure hatred burning in his eyes. His slender hands hold two chakrams, his long, black coat flutters around his lithe body, making him appear like a demon… or a fiery angel, who has come to avenge my sins.

* * *

**Part 14 – Sora:**

Oh, not _again_…

Axel raises his weapons, crosses his arms in front of his chest before throwing them with all of his might. He's throwing them at my brother.

Riku reacts immediately, lunging at Roxas the same moment I jump at Axel. I tighten the grip around my keyblade.

Riku manages to knock one of the chakrams aside, then he grabs Roxas' arm and wrenches him to the ground with him harshly. The second spiked wheel hits the big glass window of the café, and it shatters with a deafening clash. Axel reaches out, and both weapons whirl back to him.

I don't dare to hit him with all of my strength, fearing I could hurt him. He doesn't _want_ to hurt Roxas, I _know_ he doesn't. He quickly parries my attack with one of his chakrams, his face contorted into a mask of fury and pain.

* * *

**Part 15 – Riku:**

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I manage to wrench Roxas aside before the chakram decapitates him. The weapon whizzes past us, and even here I can feel the heat it emits.

I try to shield Roxas from the shards of the window as good as I can. He's still paralyzed by fear, clinging to me while looking at the keychains in his hand. His gaze wanders to Axel, then back to the keychains, and back to Axel again when Sora attacks him. Sora holds back, I can see that even from back here. Axel parries the first blow, throwing a chakram again. Sora dodges it, rebounding with a quick roll and countering another fireball with a simple ice spell. A cloud made out of steam spreads between them, and Sora attacks again.

"Roxas," I yell and shake the unmoving boy rudely. He doesn't react at all.

* * *

**Part 16 – Axel:**

I fight off a half-hearted blow, throwing one of my weapons at my enemy. It's hard to focus, fury blanketing my thoughts with a blood red veil, turning my enemy into a faceless creature. He wants to keep me from punishing Roxas for his cruelty, that's the only thing I still know.

The fire burns even hotter than before, and I let out a small part of it. My faceless opponent parries it with a laughably low dosed ice spell, then comes at me again. Before he reaches me he jumps, trying to hit me from above. I leap to the side, catching the weapon I threw before, warding off the next blow by crossing my trusty chakrams over my head.

Then I hear something. Someone's calling out… a name. _His_ name. The heat increases.

* * *

**Part 17 – Roxas:**

I can hear Riku calling out my name, but I can't do anything. I'm still unable to move, clasping the keychains tighter in my hands. Flames rage around the two combatants, the air around them flickering, ash is raining down on us; the air reeks of burnt wood and other things.

"Holy Darkness, Roxas! You have to help us!" Riku bellows at me, and I can distinguish anger and a bit fear out of his usually so calm voice. "You have to do _something_! He could hurt somebody, or we have to hurt him to stop him! Do you want that?"

What? No, of course I don't want that! Nobody should get hurt… But… I…

"_Fuck_," Riku curses, letting go of me and sprinting right at the ring of flames, jumping over it and swatting aside one of the dangerous weapons, which has been thrown at my brother. Sora and Riku both attack Axel now, and he seems to have a hard time dodging their fast blows. A few of them break through his defense, and I can hear him scream with pain before he retreats.

* * *

**Part 18 – Sora:**

The sand beneath his feet melts, turns into glass. It's too hot! The fire, it is way too hot!

* * *

**Part 19 – Riku:**

What's wrong with him? He's such a good boy usually… Roxas must mean more to him than we thought…

He throws the chakrams at us again, and again Sora and I bat them aside with our own weapons.

* * *

**Part 20 – Axel:**

More heat! The fire, it has to be hotter than this! I can't beat them like this; it's too weak, too weak! I need more heat! More fire, more, _more_!

* * *

**Part 21 – Roxas:**

No, he can't! He mustn't do that! He would hurt my brother -_my Other-_ and Uncle Riku, and he would kill himself! I can't let this happen! I can't watch him do this without doing anything to stop him _again_! I can't let him die this time!

I call Oathkeeper and Oblivion.

* * *

**Part 22 – Sora:**

Axel dodges us again, then he lets go of his weapons. They start to circle around him, leaving trails of pure fire in their wake.

Not _again_!

* * *

**Part 23 – Riku:**

He floats about three or four feet above the ground now, spreading his arms, chakrams circling him. His eyes are closed, his hands clenched into tight fists. The fire is too hot, we can't get closer…

What is he _doing_?

* * *

**Part 24 – Axel:**

Yes… more… More heat, more fire, more strength! I concentrate every ounce of energy my hurting body has to give, and it's wonderful… The pain is not important, because the fire inside me is pure and destructive…

* * *

**Part 25 – Roxas:**

I leap over the wall of fire surrounding them, rush past Riku and Sora, who try to protect themselves with a Dark Shield coated with ice. The flames are torrid, but I don't mind. They even seem to back away from me. I can't help but smile.

He was never able to hurt me.

* * *

**Part 26 – Sora:**

"Roxas!" I yell, trying to follow him. Riku holds me back, pulls me behind our barrier again.

My brother holds his keyblades in his hands as he heads for Axel, ignoring the flames the redhead still is concentrating around himself.

It's too dangerous! He can't do that alone…

I try to break free from Riku's grip again, but he only holds tighter onto me. He drops Way to the Dawn, throwing both arms around my waist to hold me back. Ultima clatters to the ground as well when I reach out to my brother. I'm barely able to make out his small frame amidst this inferno.

But… the fire doesn't seem to reach him… No, the flames even seem to back off…

Roxas jumps right at the, still circling, chakrams.

* * *

**Part 27 – Riku:**

It's fairly difficult to hold Sora back. I still work out, but he's P.E. teacher in one of the local high schools, so he probably has an advantage over me there…

But suddenly he stops struggling against my already weakening grip. I look up and can't hold back a surprised gasp.

The fire doesn't even touch Roxas! It seems like the flames avoid him somehow…

But there are still the weapons circling Axel. The redhead's eyes are still closed; he doesn't seem to notice Roxas at all…

Roxas leaps right at the chakrams, Oathkeeper and Oblivion crossed in front of his chest. And in the very last moment possible, both keyblades jerk upwards, the keyblades getting caught between the handles of the chakrams. Roxas flings them aside forcefully, as if he already did that thousands of times before, then he drops his own weapons.

The keyblades vanish. Roxas crashes into Axel, dragging him to the ground.

* * *

**Part 28 – Axel:**

I can hear a loud clank, and far, far away I can feel my chakrams moving away from me. Then something collides with me, and pure, hot, agonizing pain explodes inside me.

I scream loudly, then the air flees my lungs as I hit the ground. I tear my eyes open, and for a moment I can't see a thing… then the world turns red and white, and the pain spreads, and I cry out again. It hurts, it burns so terribly, liquid fire seems to burn its way through my veins…

"Axel." Only a whisper, barely distinguishable over the roaring flames and my own screaming, and yet the gentle voice soothes the pain somehow. A cool hand brushes over my cheek. My eyes flutter closed for a second, and despite the pain I try to move closer to this blissful coolness with a small sigh.

When I open my eyes again, more colors rush into my vision. Next to red there's also the light blue of the sky, the gentle turquoise of the sea, the rich green of the palm trees, the light beige of the fine sand at the beach. But more than anything else the golden hue of his disheveled hair catches my attention, and even more so the luscious, rich, soothing blue depths of his eyes which make the color of the sky seem petty in comparison.

Organization XIII's No. 13, the Key of Destiny…

"Roxas…" I whisper, ignoring my whole body protesting with horrible pains. It also protests against the shaky smile spreading over my face.

I've found him.

* * *

**Part 29 – Roxas:**

Like thousand times before I let my keyblades get caught between the handles of his chakrams and hurl them aside with all of my strength. This was always his weakness. It takes too long for him to retrieve them if I manage to toss them away far enough. All around me the flames hiss and crackle, but they don't touch me. Just like back then as well.

I let go of Oathkeeper and Oblivion and jump, catching hold of the smooth leather of his coat. I crash right into him, dragging him to the ground with me. He screams, then gasps surprised when we hit the ground, tearing his eyes open and screaming again, even louder and shriller and more pained than before. His eyes, they seem so far away… He doesn't even seem so see me…

I hoist myself up to my knees, leaning over him and reaching out to touch him. His skin seems to glow. He's such an idiot… his limit could have _killed_ him…

"Axel," I whisper gently and rest my hand on his flushed cheek. First he flinches away from my touch, but then he closes his eyes and sighs, pressing his face against my palm. His skin feels unhealthily hot, but it's not too late. Thank Kingdom Hearts.

He opens his eyes again, and slowly, oh so slowly his gaze focuses on me. Again I lose myself in their emerald depths, but this time I don't feel guilty because of it. And he recognizes me. He finally recognizes me again, just like I recognized him. The phantom which haunted my dreams, the red-haired man who was the most important person in my life even when he still was a mere Nobody, finally he has a face. How ironic. He has been with me all this time, but I was too blind to realize it. All the guilt, all the pain I went through, the fear of forgetting my precious stranger over my crush on my best friend, it was without any reason. Because it was _him_ all this time. Who else could ever be my best friend?

"Roxas," he breathes with difficulty, and then he smiles. He smiles at me, like I always wanted him to. And everything else fades away, until the only thing left is him and me, both of us smiling.

He has found me.

* * *

**Part 30 – Axel:**

He smiles at me, and the pain seems to fade away. He smiles just like he did back then, happy, yet guarded, relieved, yet with this almost indiscernible trace of sadness remaining in his eyes…

"Roxas," I whisper again, and now tears well up in my eyes. I was so _dense_… How could I not recognize him? How could I not see how much he meant to me? How could I hurt him so much?

"Shhh…" he coos and brushes a single finger over my lips gently. It hurts, and I can't help but flinch back again. "Don't talk, you idiot."

Behind him I can make out Sora and Riku, both of them seemingly relieved, yet very worried as they eye me up.

"Is he okay?" Riku asks quietly, sounding quite worried, kneeling down next to Roxas. He reaches out as if he wanted to touch my arm, but he doesn't dare to actually touch me. Sora kneels down next to me as well.

They are… my _family_. Riku was probably the one who came closest to substitute a father for me, and Sora cared for me just like for his own brother… And I thank them by almost destroying the fucking promenade… no, the whole fucking _island_!

"I'm… sorry…" I manage to rasp out, but Sora immediately shakes his head and smiles his trademark smile, warm and caring.

"It's alright," he says quietly, and even Riku smiles now. Barely visible, but it's there.

"You really shouldn't talk," Riku adds, now just as composed as always again. "Are you hurt?"

Oh, if you count feeling like you are being burnt alive as 'hurt'…

"Of course he is," Sora replies instead of me, smiling again. But this time his smile seems strangely sad. "Just like the last time he used this limit…"

Crap… seems like he _did _notice it after all…

"Axel," Roxas says again, and again I can't help but smile hearing my name coming from his lips. He bends over me again. "You have to hold the fire back."

"Can't…" I hiss sharply, gasping when he gently takes my hand. Ouch!

"Yes, you can," he disagrees, softly kissing my fingertips. That hurts too, yet not nearly as bad as it should. Partly because the tender gesture surprises me, as Roxas was never the type to show his affection like this… partly because his closeness alone somehow seems to lessen the pain. He always had that effect on me. "You didn't release your limit," he whispers. "You have to hold the fire back. You have to seal it in your mind. It can't hurt you if you don't let it." He smiles again. "You're the 'Flurry of Dancing Flames' after all."

Yeah… that's me… That was me, a long time ago. I can do this; I didn't release the limit after all…

I close my eyes and concentrate. I don't focus on the fire, or the already shrinking flames all around us though; I concentrate on Roxas, on the soothing, right now almost chilly feeling of his small hand in mine. I draw the coolness right through my skin, let it grow in my fingers, my hand… It smothers the fire inside me, erases the pain, sooths my sore nerves, and it grows inside me as if this was the most natural thing in the world. I feel cold for a moment, but as much as I hate the cold it doesn't feel uncomfortable at all, because at the same time almost unnatural, pleasant warmth spreads inside me, and this feeling originates from our joint hands as well. I've never felt something this weird yet wonderful before. With his help I fight back, smother the fire and lock it in my heart. It's even easier than back when I was a Nobody…

I open my eyes again with a satisfied sigh, and he's still there, looking down at me a little dazed. I squeeze his hand gently before I let go, then I prop myself up with both hands, sitting up and staying like this when red and black dots start to dance in front of my eyes.

I'm almost thrown back into the sand when Roxas flings himself at me. I return his quite forceful embrace smiling, even though my limbs still feel heavy and tingly and weird. That's only a sign of regeneration, nothing to worry about.

"You moron!" he whispers shakily, hugging me closer. "Why do you have to overdo everything like that all the time?"

"I'm sorry," I reply sheepishly. "I didn't think, I… I just… I'm sorry…"

"It's alright," he sniffs and lets go of me again. "Just… don't do it again, okay?"

"As long as you don't leave me again…" I agree… But then I frown. _Again_? But…

What just happened?

Why is everything burnt? Why… What…

Roxas frowns too, staring at me blankly for a moment. Then he blushes, letting go of me and scooting away from me a bit, blushing even more when he notices how close to me he just was. But why was he so close? I don't want to complain, it's just weird…

"They're forgetting again…" Sora whispers disbelievingly, and both Roxas and me turn to stare at him confused. Suddenly tears well up in his deep blue eyes. "They are forgetting again!" he repeats, sitting down next to us, slumping and hiding his face in his hands. He utters a sound that reminds me of a sob, but it also sounds like a weak, tired sigh.

"Oh no, they _won't_!" Riku suddenly hisses, jumping up gracefully and raising his hand, narrowing his eyes at a point behind the horizon. I already want to ask him what the hell he's _doing_, but then… then… _something_ opens right in front of him, something that looks like a black, shadowy gap in reality. Weird description for the weirdest thing I ever saw in my _life_!

Roxas next to me yelps surprised, and I can't stop staring at this… _thing_, not even when Riku turns around to glare at us. Huh! He's _scary_ when he glares…

I'm way too slow, I can't even raise my arms protectively when he grabs my collar and hoists me up effortlessly. That's odd; usually I'm faster than him… I feel so strange… So weak and tired, as if I hadn't slept for days…

Next to me Sora 'helps' Roxas almost the same way. I try to break free from Riku's painful grip, but it's no use. He just drags me through that strange portal, Sora and Roxas right behind us.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yay, perspective changes! And yeah, I only did so many of them to avoid writing a full-fledged fight scene. Cuz I'm lazy like that. 

Oh, and don't think I _forgot _to reply to your reviews from the last chapter! I _will _do that, but I have a _**MAJOR **_exam on Monday (Actually I should be studying for that right now, but I can't leave you guys with this AWFUL cliffy even longer... And yes, I am aware this cliffhanger is almost as bad. :/ Sorry.), so I will reply to those sometime next week. I hope you don't mind.

Wish me luck, and don't forget to review! Bye!


	10. Part 31 Roxas

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** Oh, I could use the money... but I don't make any out of this. I only write to entertain you guys.

**Thanks to:** Betas, muses, illustrators, friends... whatever you want to call it. And everybody who doesn't bite my head off for being so goddamned slow when it comes to writing lately! x( And my reviewers... Oh dear, do I still have many reviews to reply to... I'm sorry if I didn't reply yet, I _will_ do that soon, but if it takes a while... well, please be patient with me. And there are new reviewers again! Namely **L0tus, TsuchiNoOkamiHime **and my good friend **Riku-stalker**! Yay! Thank you so much!

Oh, yeah, this is pretty much the last part. Enjoy!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Part 31 - Roxas: **

Sora's grip around my arm is vice-like as he drags me right through this _thing_ Uncle Riku somehow created… That's so fucking insane, and also pretty _creepy_ to tell the truth… And Axel looks just as frightened as I feel.

What does that mean, 'They are forgetting again'? Who is forgetting what? Why is Sora so sad suddenly? Why is he even here, and why is Uncle Riku so _scary_, and what is Axel doing here… What am _I_ doing here anyway? Where are all the people? And why is the promenade in such a bad condition all of sudden? What the fuck _happened_ here?

But then we end up in an entirely different world, and every protest flees my head at once.

This world is eerie, dark and cold, but something inside me responds to the sinister sight and makes my heart stop for a second. Clouds cover a sky, which I know has to be black. The only sources of light are the neon lights illuminating the high, black buildings. It's a flickering, broken light, cold and sterile and overall uninviting, like everything else here. The clouds break open for a second, and I catch a glimpse of a heart-shaped moon spreading its diffuse light, taking in the sight of a gaping hole right in its middle before it's swallowed by black clouds again. It's raining… no, it's more like an endless drizzling, and the dark, cracked, wet ground is reflecting the bluish light, making everything look even more unreal and creepy.

And over this dark, dead, forlorn city the castle raises its towers into the night sky. It's always night in the World That Never Was.

"The Castle That Never Was…" I whisper, and Axel's voice mingles with mine as he breathes the same words the exact moment I do.

"Do you remember now?" Sora asks me softly, letting go of my hand. I look around, taking a few steps forward. The high buildings… the dark, blind windows… the flickering light… the endless rain… It was _here_…

"No one would miss me," I hear myself speak up.

"That's not true," someone immediately answers, and when I turn around my eyes lock with sad, hurt, yet surprised green ones. "I would."

Oh God.

Oh no, I almost forgot him again… What's _wrong_ with me?

"Your hearts… they fight against your memories," Riku says darkly. "Memories you acquired when you were Nobodies."

"You think so?" Sora asks quietly while Axel and I keep staring at each other. "But why would they do that?"

"How should I know?" Riku says and shrugs. "Hearts are complicated. Not even Ansem or DiZ ever really understood how the heart works."

"Why did you say that then?" Axel asks, tearing his gaze away from me to stare at Riku. "What did you mean before?"

"Well… Ansem and DiZ didn't have _answers_, but they had some theories concerning the heart." Riku runs a hand through his hair thoughtfully. "My guess is that your hearts try to convert your memories somehow. Both of you somehow managed to develop feelings, back when you were Nobodies… Feelings you weren't supposed to have. Now you try to remember, but some things seem to be… repressed, because those feelings were not quite… how do I say it… compatible?"

"I don't understand!" I cry out helplessly, leaning against a nearby wall to keep myself from falling. I feel so weak all of sudden… "Why _did_ I remember Axel then? I… I knew I was supposed to wait for him since we were kids! I didn't know it was _him_, but I always knew I had to wait for him! And why did I remember the keyblades?"

"Maybe your memories were triggered by certain events, or things he said, or the way he acted. But like I said, it's only a _guess_," Riku replies hesitatingly. "But you not only had feelings back then… You really developed a _heart_, didn't you?"

I try to answer, but somebody beats me to it.

"Yes, he _did_," Axel whispers, and when I look at him he's staring at me again. "You were the only one who did. You always tried to hide it, but I knew you _felt_…"

"And because of that your feelings changed too, also affecting your memories," Riku adds when Axel falls silent and averts his gaze. "You were able to remember some things, because even back then your heart tried to change your 'fake' memories and feelings into 'real' ones. You just didn't have enough time."

I look over to him again, and now he seems to be feeling guilty. I've never seen him look so sad before.

Suddenly anger bubbles up inside me. Yes, I didn't have enough time. And whose fault was that?

"No, Roxas," Sora suddenly speaks up and embraces me. "Please, don't blame him for it. If anyone was to blame it would be me."

My head whips around, and I stare at my brother surprised. He smiles, but it's a sad smile. He brushes some of my hair out of my face gently.

"Riku did everything just for me," Sora continues, glancing at the silver haired man. "He did it to save me. If only I…"

"No, he's right," Riku interrupts him gruffly, crossing his arms and looking away. "He has every right to hate me. I believed everything DiZ told me… I really believed Roxas wasn't able to feel, that a Nobody like him had no right to live…"

And that's when it hits me. Now I know why I seemed to slightly dislike Riku all of my life.

_-Why do you have the keyblade?-_

He took everything away from me. No… no, he didn't, but I blamed him all of my last life… at least the part of my life when I lived in Sora. And even though my memories seem to be repressed, those hard feelings I conceived for him seem to have influenced my behavior towards him… Don't get me wrong. I love Riku almost as much as I love Sora. He's like another older brother to me. But sometimes I would look at him and would think horrible things… Horrible things I never understood. I never knew why I thought things like that. Now I do.

But it wasn't his fault. He did it for Sora. Had he not captured me back then, Sora would never have awakened… He wouldn't have defeated the Organization. I would probably still be fleeing from them. Or they'd probably have killed me already. And maybe I still wouldn't know who I was.

How _childish_ I have been. I never knew _why_, but somehow I always seemed to enjoy annoying Riku, playing pranks on him, doing my worst to make him loose his cool. He never _did_, but that didn't keep me from trying. Unconsciously I must've sought revenge. That's not what he deserved. He wanted to protect Sora; I can understand that. And Riku tried his best to make up for what he did to me; I know that _now_. He protected me, like he protected Sora back then. He was always there for me. He protected me of other children who picked on me. He was so patient… And… he helped me find Axel.

Who… is looking even paler than Riku right now.

But I still turn around to look at Riku. I stare into his aquamarine colored eyes, and I see so much remorse… so much guilt… and then he averts his gaze. He never did that before. Again I can't help but feel angry for what he did. Damn, he's beating himself up for it already, so why can't I also hate him? I can sense that he thinks he deserves it. But then I look at Sora again, and my brother stares back at me so pleadingly…

"I'm not mad," I say slowly, and I force myself to look at Riku again. He stops scrutinizing the ground, looking up rather surprised. He stays silent, and I roll my eyes. "Well, yeah, I guess I _am_ mad, but just a little. But I…" I try to say it, but the words won't pass my lips. I sigh deeply, running both hands through my disheveled hair. "I… I guess I… have to stop… blaming you for what happened."

"So you _did_ blame me?" he asks softly, and behind me my brother sighs much like I did moments before. But I don't avert my eyes, keep staring right into cool aquamarine ones.

"I guess I did," I finally manage to answer. "But not consciously, I swear to…" I look up to the cloudy sky briefly. "… Well, I _would_ swear to Kingdom Hearts, but that one would be no good I guess."

The corners of his lips twitch up briefly. "Yeah," he agrees, then shakes his head. "We'll have to talk about this one day. But now you should go."

Go? Go where? Wasn't this enough?

"You have to fully retrieve your memories," Riku explains when he notices my questioning look. "Or else you might forget again." He nods at something behind me. "He already seems to sense that."

When I turn around I immediately notice that Axel is gone. I spot him further down the street, climbing over some debris blocking his path. His vibrantly red hair already seems darker than usual, some strands already losing their usual spiky shape, drooping due to the endless drizzle dampening the air around us. Only now I can feel my thin shirt is already slightly damp. And it's really cold here… Was it always this cold?

My gaze is drawn up to the castle again, and all at once I forget about Riku and Sora. My whole body suddenly feels numb and cold, and my mind goes blank. The only thing I know is that I have to get there… The urge to see what is waiting there for me grows so much until it almost hurts, and I start to walk, ignoring my brother -_my __Other-_ crying out my name. Instead of waiting for him I start to run, climbing over debris and jumping over the cracks in the ground without caring if I get hurt. I register my sleeve getting caught on something, but I don't care, wrenching my arm away. The thin sleeve tears with a ripping sound.

All around me the shadows start to move, start to scurry all through the dark alleys, but I'm too distracted and too numbed by the urge to get to the castle to feel scared. The flickering, cold light illuminates gray and white skin of faceless creatures I can only see out of the corner of my eyes. I can never see them properly, and yet their form feels oddly familiar…

I almost run into Axel when I turn the last corner before the alley, which I know leads to the castle. I somehow manage to regain my balance, and I want to run past him, but then I see why he stopped.

The streets are littered with those strange creatures. It's an endless sea of white and gray, moving and twisting and hissing words I cannot understand. Eyeless faces turn to look at us, and I know they're staring at Axel and me. They aren't glad to see us, nor are they angry; they just stare at us, waiting…

Dusks, Sorcerers, Gamblers, Berserkers, Dancers, Dragoons, Creepers, Snipers. They stand, float, creep and glide over the ground, staring up to us, and slowly a silent accusation mingles with their silent looks.

"They envy us," Axel whispers next to me, his voice shaking badly. "They feel the only thing we Nobodies ever managed to feel."

"They envy us because we have a heart," I agree, and ever so slowly I reach out and take his hand. His fingers feel like ice, I'm not used to that. His hands were always warm…

He squeezes my hand softly before pulling away again, and now I look at him. He is paler than ever, lips pressed together in a thin line, and he lays his arms around himself as if he was cold. But I can see the same determination I feel, burning in his eyes.

We have to get to this castle. I _can't_ forget him again. I have to retrieve my memory, so my heart stops repressing my memories of him…

Sora and Riku stand aside us, their weapons ready. If only I could remember how I called my own keyblades…

But then the white and gray mass down there starts moving. New Nobodies push through the crowd, shoving aside lesser ones. Assassins slide through the crowd of Nobodies, pushing them aside with their lithe, spiny bodies. Samurai push lesser Nobodies back with their swords, careful not to hurt them. They create a free corridor through the mass of Nobodies; Axel's Assassins holding back one side, my Samurai the other.

Again Axel is the first one to move. But now he doesn't seem scared at all. He struts past the Nobodies that are watching him, almost arrogantly, without even glancing at them. But I can see one of his hands brushing over one Assassin's head briefly, almost affectionately.

"Come on," Sora whispers next to me, gently grabbing my arm. "Let's go."

* * *

We follow Axel, who rushes through the empty castle at a quick pace. The more we advance, the more I remember. I recognize rooms I've never seen in this life, even though most of them are empty and decayed. Some hallways are dark; back then this would've never happened. Sometimes fallen columns or pieces of the ceiling block our path. 

Axel pushes open another big door and steps into the room. It's cold, white and sterile, containing tall, throne-like seats.

Here we were given our missions. Here Xemnas looked down at us with cold amber eyes, showing us this contemptuous smirk of his while instructing us in the most difficult missions, hoping we might fail and our thrones would lower. We never failed. We were the best team he ever had, and he knew it.

Axel stands right in front of the throne with the number I engraved on its front, looking up to it with an unreadable expression. I wonder if he remembers the same things as me… or if he remembers another mission he was assigned to here, the mission to retrieve me… or kill me if I refused to come back…

I follow him when he finally turns and leaves the room again, forgetting about Sora and Riku. Axel walks over to the stairs, slowly advancing to the upper level. The pale glow that the heart-shaped, destroyed moon emits, is the only light falling through the tall windows up here.

The stairway leads to a seemingly endless white hallway. White, plain doors, only adorned by numbers and their respective elements, lead to the private chambers of the members of the Organization…

I can almost hear their voices… Demyx sings at top of his lungs, and Xaldin yells at him because of it… Zexion asks Lexaeus for help with one of his projects, the silent giant mutters a surprisingly soft answer… Vexen and Marluxia fight over trivial matters, and Larxene encourages them, laughing spitefully… Saïx and Xemnas talk over their plans… Luxord and Xigbar play poker, laughing, probably already hammered.

Axel stops, looking around. I can't read his expression this time; his eyes are guarded, his face devoid of emotions. But the pallor of his fair skin as well as his clenched fists are telling me he's upset. He doesn't make a move to advance further into this hallway, so I walk past him slowly, my fingers brushing over his arm gently. I stop right in front of a door adorned by the number 'VIII', written in cursive letters, surrounded by small, painted flames.

I reach out with a shaking hand, and the door opens on its own when it 'recognizes' me. The room behind it is dark, like all of our rooms. They were only meant for sleep after all; we _did_ spend most of our time on missions anyway, and the little free time we had, we spent either in other worlds than this one or in the bigger, comfortable salons and common rooms. Still, I remember this room being the only one always illuminated by flames dancing in the air, burning without a visible source, when its owner was present. And it was the only room where it was warm all the time; I remember that too, because that was one of the reasons why I liked to spend my time here.

But now it is cold, dark, and in a horrible condition. Everything is burnt; the formerly pure white walls are blackened with soot… The furniture is charred and deformed and partly reduced to mere ashes. The only window is broken, and on the walls scratches and dents are clearly visible, traces of a weapon I know all too well. A small gasp escapes me as I take in the sight of the destroyed room… This room I liked most in this damned castle… All wrecked, along with so many memories…

Why would he burn his room and throw his chakrams against the walls? That doesn't make sense…

"I lost control," Axel whispers right behind me, and I can't help but flinch. His voice is shaking so badly I'm barely able to make out the words. When I turn around to look at him I notice unshed tears making his eyes shine wetly. My own eyes feel odd too, and when I blink something warm rolls down my cheeks. "When… when you were gone I came back here… I stayed inside this room for three days, and… and the room was so cold without you… And then I just… lost control." He looks down, clenching his hands into tight fists once again. "You… you were the only one who ever made me lose it like that… I, I didn't even sleep or anything, and after those three days I tried… to follow you… B-But Xemnas wouldn't let me, he thought… He thought I might kill you if I found you, so they locked me in here, blocked my portals, a-and I just snapped…"

"Axel…" I breathe barely audible, gasping when he suddenly utters a soft sob and hides his face in his hands. He gasps for air once, twice, then he falls to his knees, sits on the cold white marble floor. But soon his hectic, erratic breathing slows down again, and when he lets his hands drop from his face again his bright eyes are dry.

"They didn't know…" he says, and to my surprise his voice sounds less choked and shaky than before. No, now it sounds almost… normal. And frighteningly emotionless. "They didn't know I would have never been able to hurt you. And after… after I had calmed down I tried to act normal again, so they would dismiss my outburst as a reaction of my element to the 'imaginary' feelings I had developed for you… I… I managed to make them believe I got rid of them… I…" He laughs, a hollow, empty, mirthless sound that makes me shiver. "I made _myself_ believe I got rid of them. Xemnas even assigned me to… to… find you."

_-We're… best friends, right?-_

_-Wait a sec! You __remember now?-_

"I… I really thought… I thought I could handle it, and I wanted to… to help you… I didn't want them to send someone else after you, like Xigbar or Xaldin, or even Saïx to drag you back here… I thought I owed you as much…"

_-Can't believe this…-_

"But you… you had… you had forgotten about me… about _us_… And you lied… you _lied_ to me! You never lied to me before…"

_-Axel…-_

_-You really do remember me this time?-_

"You had your little friends there… And they were more important to you than I was, and I…"

_-I'm SO FLATTERED!-_

_-But you're too late!-_

Oh, God, how could I ever forget that? How could I ever forget the hatred and despair in his eyes when he confronted me in the mansion? I hurt him…

"I envied them so much…" he continues, and now his breathing grows more uneven again, and his hands close around the fabric of his coat as he tries to hug himself. He stares right through me; I doubt he can even see me right now. But there is so much pain in his eyes…

Oh, I deserved everything he did. All the teasing and him ignoring me… Everything he ever did to hurt me, I deserved ten times as much! I never knew I hurt him so much… I should have seen it…

"Axel…" I whisper again, trying to apologize and reaching out to him, but he flinches back, staring up to me from his place on the floor. His eyes are blank, guarded. I don't have the slightest clue what he's thinking about right now… But he must be furious, he must _hate_ me. I _would_ hate me if I was in his position.

He gets up again, slowly, his eyes never leaving my face. His intense gaze paralyzes me, and my hand stops midway, not touching him. Then he turns around and walks away.

I watch helplessly as he runs down the hallway, stopping in front of another door, which immediately opens for him. Of course I recognize this door… White, like all of the other doors too, only displaying a plain, silvery white number, barely visible against the bright background; no element. Well, no _visible_ elemental symbol anyway. But I know the number is really surrounded by white loops and spirals and stars and other symbols and ornaments, as the element of the owner of this chamber is Light. Room number XIII. _My_ room.

After an eternity I finally follow him. The door opens again; pure white greets me, the only spot of color in the room being Axel's bright hair and his green eyes, his clothes. He doesn't seem to realize the door opened again; he wanders through the room like a sleepwalker, his fingers brushing over the furniture, his eyes slowly wandering over every surface.

The room is just like I left it. Everything is plain and white, almost Spartan. I never got around giving the room my 'personal touch', as Demyx dubbed it. Oh, I remember _his_ room; the walls were painted blue, with band posters everywhere. Or Axel's room, before he burnt it to smithereens… even he decorated the furniture with red and orange ornaments, just sparsely, but he did. I never saw anybody else's room from the inside; I never wanted to. But Demyx told me other member's chambers were also decorated.

Mine was always white and empty. But still this room, along with Axel's, was always the place that came closest to a 'home'. Because Axel was here with me so often.

Now he walks over to the bed, bending down to brush a hand over the white sheets, which still look like they were changed only yesterday. Then he sits, one leg bent under him, the other one dangling over the edge, and he grabs one of the pillows, drawing it close to him. First silent tears start to drop from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. He grabs the cushion with both hands now, hugging it close to him while burying his nose in it, inhaling deeply. He's still staring into space, his eyes so eerily empty, despite the tears still making them glisten.

He stays like this for a moment, then suddenly a loud, heavy sob escapes him, only muffled by the pillow in front of his face. His breathing grows louder and hectic, and then… then he starts to cry. He hides his face in the pillow, sobbing heartbreakingly, his lean shoulders jerking, slim fingers digging into the soft fabric as if he wanted to tear it to shreds.

Within seconds I'm kneeling on the bed next to him, and without thinking I embrace him, barely holding back tears myself as I let him cry.

My heart starts to beat faster as memories rush back to me. We spent hours in this room, just the two of us. Only Axel was allowed in here; not even Demyx ever saw my room from the inside. Here in this room we spent hours talking about the strangest things, here we tended our wounds after battle. Axel picked me up here almost every day to bring me to Twilight Town, or to another place high up, where we could talk and eat ice cream without getting interrupted. Here we always said goodbye when we were assigned to new missions; in Axel's room we reunited after completing them.

Here, in this room, on this bed we kissed for the first time. I had noticed humans doing that on one of my missions, had watched how tenderly they treated each other, and I had been so curious… I had wanted to know if we would also be able to feel if we did that. So I tried it. This night, when Axel came to fetch me for another trip to Twilight Town, I just grabbed him and kissed him, just as I had watched humans do. Looking back I have to admit it was a rather clumsy, way too forceful kiss, and yet… yet I could _feel_ something, for the tiniest moment. I didn't admit it though; I dismissed it as mere curiosity when he asked me what the hell had gotten into me… Yet I wanted to try it again and again, I wanted to feel this strange, sweet sensation again, and Axel always let me, even though it confused him. I don't know if he also was able to _feel_ when we kissed, if he was able to feel the same warmth I felt, the same feeling of security, but I highly doubt it. How should I have been able to rouse those feelings in him, when I was no more than a confused, upset boy? He was the one who gave me strength; he was the one who made me realize how different I was. I could never have been able to do the same for him.

But he never denied me those tries, even though I never told him _why_ I wanted him to kiss me, and when I wanted more than shy, awkward kisses, he gave me everything he could. In those nights, when his warm hands freed my eager body of the confinement of my robes, and his hot lips explored every inch of my skin, I was able to feel more than the mere physical reaction of my body to his caresses. In those nights I was able to hear my heart beating.

Suddenly he lets go of the pillow, hugging me back instead, so forcefully I can't breathe properly for a moment. I flinch violently, the sudden movement startling me out of my memories. I can feel a hot blush rising to my cheeks, and for a moment I'm glad he's pressing his face against my neck so he can't see it. His hair tickles my face, and I breathe in his familiar scent of cinnamon and caramel, and instantly I feel secure, just like back then.

"I waited here for you, every night…" he whispers, his lips moving so close to the sensitive skin on my neck I can almost feel it. His hands close around the thin fabric of my sweater. "I waited for you to come back to me. Every night I sat here, and I was only able to sleep as long as I could at least breathe in your scent… But with every day I couldn't find you it faded more and more, but I couldn't stop… I had to keep waiting… I…" He stops, heaves a shaky sigh and tightens his hold around me a bit more. "When I was here with you," he continues softly, "it was like… like I could… it was like I had a heart… it was like I could _feel_…"

And suddenly he grabs my shoulders, holding me at arm's length, staring deep into my eyes. "Tell me you felt the same, Roxas," he pleads hoarsely, full of emotion. "Tell me you felt it too… please…"

I almost laugh out loud, finally getting an answer to my questions. I hold the laughter back, but I can't help but smile, causing Axel to draw back a bit more, a somewhat confused, maybe even _hurt_ expression on his face. But I hold him back, pulling him down to me with both hands, pressing my lips against his and kissing him hard, hungry and wild, like he always liked it best. Maybe that's too much right now… Both of us just regained our memories after all. But I can't wait any longer. I've waited for him all of this life; oh _how long_ I waited for him… If I wait any longer I'll die… I don't care if he hates me for it, I don't care if I misread the signs. Maybe he's just overwhelmed by his own memories, maybe that's why he doesn't push me away, but I don't care… Maybe he doesn't even reciprocate my feelings anymore, after all I've done to him, but I _don't care._ I have to do it, I have to feel the smooth texture of his lips on mine, I have to taste him, I have to make sure this is _real_…

"I love you," I whisper choked, kissing him again. I taste salty tears, and I don't know if those are his or mine. He's still stunned and doesn't move; only his hands still resting on my shoulders relax at once and slide down my arms limply.

Guess I ruined everything _again_. Well done, Roxas, you little idiot, you just _had_ to…

My bitter thoughts are interrupted when his hands suddenly move up again, holding me back when I try to pull away. Now it's him who kisses me, and now I am the one unable to move.

"You're not just fucking with my head, are you?" he gasps when he finally breaks the kiss to take a deep breath. His bright eyes lock with mine once more, but I can only blink stupefied.

Why does he ask that? Does he want to… to make _fun_ of me again? I bet he does. He can't feel the same for me, not after all I've done… He has to hate me even more, now that he remembers how much he suffered because of me… But I nod anyway, tears still clouding my vision. I'm barely able to make out the happy, genuine smile spreading over his beautiful face.

"I love you too, Roxas," he replies gently, kissing me again, way more affectionate than before. "You have no idea how much I do."

…

_What?_

No, that can't be true… Why… How… It can't be… But he _never_…

"I love you," he repeats, softly kissing my cheek. And I break down and start to cry. I cling to him helplessly, sobbing and sniffing and keeping my eyes closed, fearing it would be over if I opened them again… So long… I've waited so long for him to say those words, all the endless nights back when we were Nobodies, when the words would've held no meaning anyway, and the endless years in this new life… I always wanted, _needed_ to hear them, and I always wanted _him_ to be the one who said them… and now…

"Oh… oh God, again, p-please," I sob loudly, pressing my wet face against his bony shoulder. "P-Please, _please_, s-say it _again_…"

"I love you, Roxas," he says one more time, gently kissing my forehead and running a warm hand through my hair, then he rests his chin on top of my head and sighs. "I always have."

And again and again I beg him to repeat those words, I can't get enough of it, and he does it every time, then he kisses me again, and again, and again; and this cold, empty room doesn't seem so cold anymore when he gently pushes me down into the soft mattress, _showing_ me how much he means those words. He was always good with words, but his actions always held so much more meaning.

Finally I feel complete again.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yeeeees, you read right in the beginning. Fucking last chapter! And no, I won't write more, please don't ask. I really want to concentrate on Perfect Match again now. This one is completed, at least for me. They are together, they remember each other again, all is good. Okay? Okay. If you want fluff, you'll have to read Perfect Match.

There _will _be a short epilogue though. But I won't disturb Axel and Roxas anymore; I think they deserve some privacy after all the _heartbreak _I put them through. It'll be just a short impression from Sora's POV on this... situation? Eh. Yeah.

And yes, I know this ending leaves many questions unanswered. But you have imagination, right? Use it! xP Mine is _done_...

So... I hope you liked it! If you did, you can click the pretty purple button below and tell me why. If you didn't... well, I guess you can do the same, but please be nice! I'm mentally unstable!

Ehm. No. not. xD


	11. Epilogue Sora

**Summary:** It's been nine months. Nine months since Roxas left. Sometimes I still wonder if he's alright. I wonder if he managed to find his way to his next life. I wonder if he managed to find his friend...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku, RikuxSora (Yes, that means this _will _be a shounen-ai story, in case you wondered. Don't like, don't read! Do like? All the better!)

**Disclaimer:** Yeah suuuuuuuuuure, now that it's complete I suddenly own Kingdom Hearts? Well, no! Duh!

**Thanks to:** OMFG EVERYBODY WHO READ THIS!! Guys, you are so awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Unbelievable, but there are some new reviewers _again_... Oh, but Kat, you don't count. Even though you stole review # 100. As much as I love you, I already knew your opinion on the chapter. Hehe. Yeah, more than hundred reviews, can you believe it? Oh, yeah, the new ones... **bunny500 **(I feel so guilty, you should have been mentioned in the last chapter already! Sorry!), **KH and Summon Night Otaku, **and **Kiki Lelsissia**. Thank youuuuuuu!

Oh, yeah, this _is _the last part.

... Whaddaya mean I already said that last time?

Oh, anyway. Enjoy!

* * *

**Child Again**

**Epilogue - Sora:  
**

For a short moment I'm close to panicking when the door closes behind them, not opening again when Riku and I try to open it. I still can hear them talk, but I don't understand what they are saying… Oh no, now it sounds like Roxas is crying, but I'm not sure…

"Sora," Riku says quietly. He sounds quite amused. "Why don't we give them a little time for themselves, hm?"

"But what if…" I start, but I trail off again, not knowing how to finish that sentence. The room was empty, as far as I could see it… And even if there _were_ Nobodies hidden in there, the boys would easily get rid of them, now that they remember their abilities. It's just…

"So-_ra_," Riku repeats, still smirking. "Leave them _alone_! Don't you think they deserve some privacy?"

"But…" I stop myself, listening again. "Do you hear that? They've stopped talking! What if…"

"They are _fine_," Riku interrupts me, still smiling so strangely. Why does he still grin like that? I hate it when he does that, it always makes me think he knows something I don't, and I…

I try to reply again, but this time my mouth falls open when I notice the noises coming out of the room. I feel hot blood rushing to my cheeks, staring at the unmoving door indignantly, while Riku chuckles amusedly behind me. _There_! There it was again! That was Roxas' voice, and he… he… he…

"No need to act so shocked, my dear," Riku laughs, smirking mischievously when I glare at him annoyed. I _hate_ it when he calls me like that. He puts an arm around my shoulders, pulling me away from the door. "That's just the same thing we do almost every night since they were _born_ after all, isn't it?"

Oh, _oh_, oh my _GOD_, he did _not_ just imply that they… That's my _little brother_ we're talking about!

"There's no reason to be _embarrassed_, Sora," Riku adds, smiling innocently. "You _know_ how boys their age are… Their hormones run riot, and their bodies change… they develop certain… _urges_…"

"Shut _up_," I cry out, shaking his arm off. I don't even want to think about what they are doing in there… right now… with each other… Oh, crap! Bad, bad, _bad_ mental images! "W-We can't just _leave_ them here _all alone_…"

"If you want your _sweet_, _little_, soon _not__-so-__innocent__-anymore_ brother to talk to you again anytime in the near future, we should do _just that_," I immediately get the amused reply. I glare at that silver haired _bastard_ again, and again he just smiles sweetly. "Leave them alone, I mean." He pulls me away from the door a bit further. "Come on, I'm sure Axel is taking good care of him."

"That's what I'm scared of!" I shriek, blushing harder when I hear another loud moan coming from that damned closed door. Oh, in the name of… Was that _Axel_?

Oh. Must've been him, because _this_ was definitely Roxas screaming his name…

Damn… Those two really waste no time…

… And I won't get rid of those mental images _ever again_! Frick! And Riku is _still_ smirking, _damn_ that silver haired son of a…

"Do you want to eavesdrop some more, or can we go now?" he asks teasingly, not even flinching when I punch his shoulder none too lightly.

"Bastard," I mutter sulkily, walking away at a brisk pace. He follows me quickly.

But despite my embarrassment I have to smile. I don't think they will forget anything again now. I have to think of the 'conversation' I had with Roxas years ago, just before he left to search for Axel. Has it really been so long already? And now, finally, they've found each other… and they won't forget again.

"Took them long enough," I murmur smiling, and the teasing smirk on Riku's face softens to a real smile.

"Yeah," he agrees quietly, raising a hand to open another dark portal. "Long enough."

* * *

Kairi and Namine await us impatiently already, Kairi staring at the portal with wide eyes when we emerge from it right in our back porch. Riku closes it hurriedly. 

"What happened?" Namine asks us, ignoring the portal, running over to us and grabbing my hand. "Where's Roxas? Is he alright? Axel didn't hurt him, did he?"

"Oh no, he…"

"Well, you _know_ it hurts the first time," Riku interrupts me gleefully, clamping both hands over his mouth, his bright eyes watering as he tries to hold back laughter when all three of us stare at him, Kairi and Namine confused, me plain shocked.

He's barely able to dodge the stone I quickly pick up and throw at him. I _do_ miss him on purpose of course. I'm not _that_ mean, even if he acts _this_ childish! Hell, he never acted like that when we _were_ kids! How _immature_! That's so _not_ like him…

"Would you cut it out already?" I yell at him, but he knows I'm not really angry. He shrugs, still snickering quietly.

"Sorry," he apologizes choked, wiping his eyes. Then he turns to look at Namine. "No, we butted in before things got out of control," he adds, now calm again. Hu? Now how the fuck did he calm down this fast? I don't get it; he's acting too strange today…

"Okay…" Namine says confused, her big blue eyes travelling back and forth between us. "Aaaaaand… where are they?"

I exchange a look with Riku, and he bites his lip to keep another grin from his face.

"Uhm… they are… busy?" I reply, shrugging helplessly.

"Do they _finally_ remember?" she inquires, narrowing her eyes at me. I open my mouth to answer, nodding happily… then I freeze. Kairi tears her shocked gaze from Riku to stare at the blonde girl, and even Riku seems surprised now.

"W-… What?" I finally breathe. I _hope_ I didn't hear right, but the others' looks do indicate I _did_…

"Nami… Do _you_ remember?" Kairi manages to ask her former Nobody, and my little sister smiles sweetly, closing her eyes.

"Of course I do," she chirps, playing with her ponytail. "Since about six months ago, when Roxas told me he might have a crush on Axel." She opens her eyes again, looking down to the ground, the smile on her lips growing sadder. "He told me almost the same before, you know? Back in the castle. When he told me he might have developed _feelings_." She sighs. "It really took them long enough to finally remember each other."

"Why didn't you tell us?" I blurt out. Damn, my head already starts to hurt… Why is everything happening so _fast_ now? And there I thought they'd probably never remember anything… Now they all do at once!

"I don't know," she answers shrugging, fidgeting with the hem of her blouse. "I didn't want to make you worry, I guess." Then she looks up to me again, pouting defiantly. "I _did_ give you some clues, you know? All my drawings…"

"You always hid them from us," Kairi says softly.

"Well… I didn't want to make it _too_ obvious," Namine replies softly. "I was scared it could be too much for Roxas… He already went through this once, back when DiZ had erased his memory. It was painful to watch him struggle with his memories even back then. I didn't want to force him to go through this again, I thought…"

"You thought it wouldn't be as painful if he remembered on his own, without our help," Riku finishes for her.

"Back in Twilight Town I _had_ to force him through it. He didn't have enough time back then," Namine continues, now averting her gaze again. "You and DiZ didn't want to give him more time. You feared he would try to escape."

"He _did_ try to escape," Riku mutters, and now he's the one who can't hold her gaze for long. He crosses his arms defiantly, looking away. All of us stay silent for a moment, then Riku heaves a deep sigh, turning around and starting to walk away.

Kairi and Namine throw me concerned glances, but I can only shrug helplessly.

"We talk later, okay?" I say hurriedly. "When… when Roxas and Axel are back or something. I think… we have a lot to talk about…"

"We do," Kairi agrees gently, nodding in Riku's direction. "But we have all the time in the world to talk now. You go and find out why he's sulking now."

I nod relieved, but before I go I embrace my sister, gently kissing her forehead. Namine smiles at me, hugging me back briefly.

"Tell him he doesn't have to worry," she whispers to me, looking over my shoulder to Riku, who's walking along the shore further down the beach. "Darkness won't get hold of him again just because he got his powers back. He's older now; he's stronger, and he is able to control the Darkness residing in his heart. He has _you_." She smiles at me again. "He'll never lose himself as long as he has you." Oh dear. She's way too mature for her age… just like her twin.

"Thank you," I still whisper before I let go of her again. Kairi takes my place instead, hugging the younger girl gently. I turn around and start to run, catching up with Riku easily. He only throws me a glance, then he looks down to the ground again. He doesn't say a word.

"Hey," I say quietly, grabbing his arm to hold him back. He shakes my hand off. Wow. He hasn't done that in a long time… He must be really upset.

Oh dear.

"You should take care of Namine," he murmurs, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Don't worry about me."

"Nami is fine, and I _always_ worry about you, even when I'm worried about the twins already. I'm always worried about the people I care about most," I reply gently, again trying to get hold of his arm. He pulls it away again.

"Sora," he whispers hoarsely, looking down so his silvery hair hides most of his pale face. "Didn't you see what I just _did_?"

"You opened a dark portal," I reply lightly, crossing my hands behind my head. "So what?"

"You don't get it, do you?" he asks sadly, turning around to walk away again.

Full sulky mode, it seems. Well. Then I'll have to take _drastic measures_!

Riku doesn't even have the time to react, let alone make a move to defend himself. He trips and falls into the white sand when I tackle him, but then he fights back and turns around under me to face me, aquamarine eyes blazing.

"What are you doing, Sora?" he asks dangerously quiet. I grab both of his hands and move around until I straddle him, effectively pinning him to the ground. His bright eyes narrow even more.

"Keeping you from running away," I reply cheekily. Silver brows quirking in that cute way of his.

"You _do _realize that you're already thirty-two years old, right?" Riku continues. "You're acting pretty immature, jumping me like that."

"Says the man who cracked dirty jokes in front of the girls and almost died holding back laughter," I counter, and he frowns. "Besides, you're not really more mature than me. You don't wear your reading glasses because you think they look stupid…"

"That doesn't make me _immature_…"

"No, it just makes you a conceited dolt," I interrupt him, rolling my eyes.

"Does not," he grumbles. Against my will I have to laugh.

"Talk about acting immature," I chuckle, still not moving.

"Sora…" he sighs, turning his head to the side.

"Sorry," I apologize too cheerful to make it sound honest. Then I lean down, smiling more softly. "Riku, don't worry so much. You opened a dark portal, so what? I managed to cast a Blizzard spell after all those years, but that doesn't make me _Donald_."

He blinks, then stares up to me dumbfounded. Then an amused grin spreads all over his face, and then he starts to chuckle.

"Now that's the spirit," I laugh and bend down to kiss him…

"Ho _fuck_, stop defiling Roxas' poor virgin eyes!" someone behind us shouts, making both Riku and me jump and look around.

"Stop being stupid, Axel," my brother replies gruffly, wrenching the other boy's hand from his eyes. "It's too late for that anyway. Remember when we walked in on them when I was four?"

"Oooooooh, yeah," the redhead answers thoughtfully, then he smirks evilly. "They were really getting it on back then, weren't they?"

Roxas pales a bit, and he smacks the back of his friend's head with a flat hand, while Riku and I exchange surprised looks. I finally get up and help Riku standing up as well.

"Weren't you two… busy?" I can't help but ask, even though I feel the very same heat rising to my face that seems to color Roxas' cheeks a healthy shade of red.

"_Busy_ as in _making out_?" Axel clarifies innocently, chuckling when Roxas tries to hit him again. "Well, we _were_, but…"

"… I'm not ready for _that_… yet…" Roxas adds oddly shy, blushing even more when Axel smiles at him and gently embraces him from behind. He looks up to the older boy, pouting slightly. "Y-You really don't… mind?" he asks weakly, a small, insecure smile drawing the corners of his mouth upwards for a split second.

"'Course not," Axel replies, nuzzling Roxas' flushed cheek lovingly. "I can wait." Then he whispers something into Roxas' ear that makes my brother's face turn beet red. And no, I _don't_ want to know what he said, thank you very much. Considering the angry scowl and the embarrassed blush Roxas is sporting now, it was probably something nasty.

All four of us fall silent for a while, until Riku decides to speak up again.

"So… What do you want to do?" he asks, and he also acts so strangely timidly, stepping closer to me as if he wanted to hide behind me. He still doesn't dare to meet Roxas' eyes.

"Well…" Roxas grimaces and rubs his hands together embarrassedly. "First of all I'm gonna take a shower…"

"Me too!" Axel chirps cheerily, and Roxas winces and blushes again. But then they smile at each other again, and then Roxas looks out to the sea thoughtfully, grasping one of Axel's hands and intertwining their fingers absentmindedly, as if he had done that very often already. "Then… talk… I guess." A smile brightens his whole face, makes his eyes shine. "And then I want to visit Hayner and Pence and Olette… I wanna know how they've been doing all those years… And I want to visit all the other worlds; I want to see everything again…"

"Later, Sweetheart," Axel chuckles and lifts Roxas up almost effortlessly, carrying him away bridal style, ignoring Roxas' protests and laughing freely. "It's about time we took a nice, long shower, right?" It's nice to watch them. I would say 'cute', but I doubt Roxas would appreciate that, so I'll settle on 'nice' instead. It's nice to see them smile like this, even though Roxas tries to hide it with a frown, hitting Axel's head once or twice before giving up struggling.

"Long enough, indeed," Riku whispers next to me, putting his arm around my waist and pulling me closer.

"Long enough," I agree, leaning on him and watch them smiling. "But they remember _now_. And right now… I'm pretty damn proud of them."

"I know what you mean," Riku replies smiling as well, then grabs my wrist. "Come on, there's a lot to talk about."

"Right," I agree and let myself be dragged back to the house where the others already await us.

* * *

**Author's Note:** YES!! DONE!!! Crap! When did the epilogue get longer than the first chapter? Weeeeeeird... 

Hmmmmm, what else to say? Not much. I think I already said everything.

Well, one thing: Thank you all so much for reviewing! And faving, and for all the alerts, aaaaaand for reading this at all... Really, you guys are amazing! I enjoyed reading your reviews probably more than you enjoyed reading this story, especially since there were some _pretty _long ones... Wow. I never thought I'd get so many reviews on this as well.

But now I can finally concentrate on Perfect Match again! Hopefully. In between my exams. They just don't seem to stop... Oh, I can't wait for summer...

Ehem. Again, thank you all! I hope I'll 'see' you again at the next chapter of Perfect Match!

Did I mention I managed an 'A' on my final English exam this term? First time I ever got something better than a 'C'. :D


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